I know my last post was about how I've changed, but I continue to change and learn from this experience. I've been seeing a therapist since October, and it's been nothing but helpful. A little context: Since the first time I was diagnosed, I've been struggling with the fact that I pack so much into my life. I take too much on. I work full-time, am a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend. I try to maintain and be the best at those relationships, plus have this natural pull and desire to "save the world" when I see injustice and try to do what I feel I can. Then add in just trying to have fun (zoo trips, concerts, festivals, etc) and all the menial tasks of life that have to be done (laundry, meal planning, cooking, driving to work). All of it I like and enjoy (maybe not my commute and laundry), but it's too much. And while I realize it's a problem, I can't seem to take any action to stop myself from doing. It's like I'm on this roller coaster that won't stop going 100 MPH.
I kept referring to this as an addiction to busy-ness. My therapist said it's not an addiction because an addiction implies that I'm doing something bad, and that I'm not doing anything bad. The things I do are good: I work hard, try to bring people together, and make change. He said what he would call it is a dependence on busy-ness, and it's just not working for me. We then talked about the fact that just because I slow down, it doesn't mean I have to stop. There's running and walking, but in the middle is jogging, and that's where I need to live.
But like any addiction or dependence, there's a root cause to it. A few weeks ago in a session, I finally figured it out. The reality is, I've had cancer twice, two years apart, at a young age. In my head, I believe that I have a shorter life expectancy than most. I don't see myself growing to the age of, say, 70. I have no faith in percentages. There was a less than 2% chance that I would get cancer again, and I did. They mean nothing to me. So while I take my pill every day for 5 years, (and then possibly another 5) who's to say something else won't happen. I've had shooting pains in my left breast lately, and of course I wonder if it's back. I've become a hypochondriac. Anything off makes me wonder. But my therapist said that just because I feel that I'm not going to live a long life, doesn't make it true. We'll see. But he said he does understand since I've stared death in the face, and I have a closer relationship with it than most my age.
But even still, every day that thought enters my mind. I only allow myself to be in that space for about 15 seconds a day. I figure there is no point in my dwelling in that possibility/likelihood. I have to make the most of my days. But that 15 seconds every day fuels the rest of my seconds. So I pack and pack more and more into my time, trying to do it all, for fear that I won't accomplish all that I want to in what I feel is going to be a shorter life.
The problem is, I'm prioritizing quantity over quality. I told my supervisor all of this, and she said something to me that has been sticking in my head the last few days. She said, "Better doesn't mean more." So I'm glad I've identified the problem, and the root of it. Now I have to figure out how to correct it. That's my next journey.
And while I will never forget my cancer journey and be forever changed, I decided to get some artwork done to make sure I never forget. I got my first tattoo last month. It's of two arrows, one for each time I've had cancer. There's also four circles with the words, "Strength, Trust, Courage, and Hope" spelled in Morse Code. I love it.
I'm also growing accustomed to my curly hair. Apparently, 90% of the time after chemo, hair grows back curly. Nobody seems to know why, but I suppose folks are spending more time trying to fight cancer versus figuring out why hair comes back curly. I don't think it's grown that fast, but when I see others, they say it looks long. I did also get my first haircut in over a year just to shape it up and make it look a little more intentional.
While I try to figure out how to slow down and prioritize quality over quantity, I am also proud that I am able to help others who are in the midst of battle. Julia's teacher has a friend who is finishing chemo and about to have a mastectomy. I know it was tremendous help for me when I was in the midst of it. Every person's journey is different and personal, but if I can shed some light as to what to expect, I'm so happy I can do that for someone.
These next few days I am going to be especially more reflective, but I will say that I am definitely grateful for every single day that I am healthy. I know what it's like to feel so low, and in pain in every part of my body, even down to my fingernails. It sucks and I hated feeling incapable. So on the days that I am healthy and capable, I am grateful. I know that it's an extra day here on earth with my baby and Eric, my family, and my amazing, beautiful friends. And that's all I can ask for.
