Marathon Chemo Session 2

Well, today was quite the experience.  I tried to sleep in a little since we didn't have to be at the hospital until 10:00.  I got to have a little tea party with Julia, eat breakfast with her, and get her ready for gymnastics.  It was lovely. 

Eric and I left around 9:30, and when we got to the parking lot we prayed in the car before entering.  I started crying and I guess I didn't realize how stressed I was until we started praying.  But I asked God to give me strength, the doctors and nurses strength, and to give my friends and family members peace.  I've been working on trusting in God more.  I realized I say that I do, but when I look at my actions, I'm such a control freak that I don't TRULY give it all to him. 

My mom couldn't come with because unfortunately, she got shingles!!  I feel so bad for her.  So I can't see her until she's healed. I hope that's sooner than later.  Eric, my dad, and my dear friend/sister Susie came.  Susie is our childhood neighbor, and is someone I've known since I was 4, my sister was 2, and Susie was 6.  The three of us have grown up together, and we consider each other family.  It was so nice of her to offer to come. 

I'd guess we're probably 8, 6, and 10 here.

All grown up!

Susie and my dad

Eric hates having photos taken of him. haha.

Me before the drama.

My biggest concern about today was getting them to find a vein easily, and hoping the effects weren't as bad this time around once I got home.  Luckily for the first one, they only had to try twice to find a vein.  Success!  They started with the anti-nausea meds, then a flush, then the Taxotere.  Last time the Taxotere had no effects during the infusion.  It was the second bag, the Cytoxan, that got me. 

So we were all eating lunch (Jersey Mikes this time!), and then when the Taxotere started, we were eating the beautiful cupcakes Susie had brought from a shop in Naperville.  We were all chatting away, when suddenly, my chest hurt and felt really tight.  I said, "Oh, I'm in pain...my chest hurts."  After I said that, the pain shot like a rocket, and then I said, "I can't breathe."  They had given me a little bell that you would see on the counter of the front desk of a hotel to ring if I needed something.  I rang that bell so hard, you would have thought I was on Family Feud.

Everything after that is a blur.  I couldn't breathe for a good 30 seconds.  About 5 or 6 nurses came rushing over, said they were stopping the Taxotere and flushing me.  I heard Susie say, "Malita, can you take any breaths in?" I shook my head no.  She said, "She can't breathe."  Then I coughed a bit.  They laid me down, attached me to oxygen and I started breathing really shallow breaths.  My face was so tight.  I couldn't see myself, but I imagined my face to be puffing up and exploding it felt so tight. 

I started crying because I was so scared.  Susie wiped my tears and stroked the hair that is left on my head.  I don't remember what my dad or Eric did, but they both said later they had no idea what to do.  My dad had run to the nurse's station after I rang the bell but felt like that was all he could do.  It must be so hard to feel helpless and I know that I myself would hate that feeling.  I thanked Susie for being motherly.  In retrospect, it's probably a good thing my mom wasn't there, or she'd totally be pulling a Shirley McLain in Terms of Endearment. 

Eventually I was able to breathe normally again, and they had given me 2 doses of Benedryl.  I had so much anxiety and stress, I began cramping and the pain shot to my back.  My hands and legs were tingly and I couldn't stop shaking.  Susie asked if they were going to give me Ativan to take the edge off (she's a pharmacist), but they were waiting because they had already giving me so much Benedryl. 

In the midst of this, I asked for my phone, logged into my work email, and pulled up my boss's email address.  I handed it to Eric and said, "Email Karen.  Tell her what's happening and ask for them to pray for me."  I totally believe in the power of prayer, and I needed an army of prayers.  Later I found out that my co-workers did pray for me.  Again, I'm so lucky, blessed, and grateful to have such amazing, caring, faithful co-workers that I consider friends. 

Eventually after about 5-10 minutes, all that Benedryl and Ativan kicked in, and that cramping pain went away. My eyes got quite heavy from all the Benedryl, but my nurse said my coloring was back to normal.  I said, "My coloring?"  He said, "You were purple, and then red as a tomato, and then pale." 

Me coming down after the drama.

The nurse practitioner came over and explained I had a reaction, but that it's actually not uncommon, and it will happen in the first 15 minutes.  I had it after about 4 minutes into the Taxotere.  Dr. U came by and said I was ok, that there was nothing to be scared about.  I couldn't bring myself to open my eyes and be polite.  I'll admit, I was kind of wanting to say, "Yeah, you're not the one who wasn't breathing!"

But it did comfort me to know that's not totally uncommon.  They said they would decide whether to continue today, or try again tomorrow.  I told her, "I know it's ultimately your decision, but I'd rather just do this all today."  I just didn't want to come back, waste a day, find a vein again, and worry about it all in the meantime.  Luckily, they decided to proceed.  She said they gave me steroids to combat the reaction, and that the remaining treatments they would do the same.  The plan was also to disperse the Taxotere more slowly than normal as well.  When we started back up, the nurse stayed with me for the first 15 minutes to make sure the reaction didn't happen again.  (By the way, my nurse's name was Buddy, and all I could think of was My Buddy, the great toy of the eighties.)

After the first 15 minutes passed, I was off to sleep.  The Benedryl knocked me out and I slept most of that hour and a half.  Then it was on to the second bag, the Cytoxan.  That was the one I was more afraid of.  I definitely got a headache and the metal mouth taste, but not nearly as bad as last time.  Then, I got a happy surprise! 

A woman brought her therapy dog to visit all of us!  Her name was Josie and was part Bernese Mountain Dog and part Poodle.  She was adorable!!  So sweet and friendly.  I LOVE dogs, so seeing her and petting her after everything was a real treat.

To end the day, we all played a few rounds of Balderdash and then I was done!!!  Hooray!  I was the last one in there and we left a little after 5 even though the cancer center closes at 5.  Whoopsie. 

I got home and definitely felt sleepy.  Eric did the first part of Julia's bed time and I did the second, which is my favorite anyway.  As Julia was praying she said, "Thank you for people that pray."  She had no idea about what happened today, but perhaps she sensed it.  I thought it was so amazing that she said that. 

I feel pretty good other than my sleepiness, so it's off to bed I go.  I'm grateful for Susie, Eric, and my dad, for my co-workers and their prayers, and for my Julia.  When I was laying there trying to get into a normal breathing pattern, I thought of her and knew I had to get it together for her.  She is always my strength and motivation. 

Here's to hoping tomorrow is less dramatic.