MRI Results

Well, there are two pieces of good news and one bad:

Good News #1: Super surprised but I already got the results back from the blood test regarding the BRCA 1 and BRCA 2 gene mutation and it came back normal!  I was mainly relieved because that means my sister is in the clear, and I was worried about Julia having a 50% chance of getting the gene.  But no worries on that now!

Good News #2: The MRI showed my right breast is clear and normal. 

The Bad News: They found more cancer in the left breast, and so much so that a lumpectomy is now out and I'll have to do a mastectomy.

The cancer team is meeting tomorrow morning at 7:30 to go through everything and verify that, and then I'm meeting with Dr. G (my breast surgeon) at 9:00 to go over it all.  She'll be able to show me the MRI pictures and we'll come up with a more solid treatment plan.  I also already have an appointment for Wednesday morning to meet with Dr. P, the plastic surgeon, to talk about reconstructive options. 

So there's that...

Tonight I've just been crying.  I think I've tried to stay positive for so long that I just needed a crying day.  It's becoming more and more real.  I'm also kind of angry.  Eric suggested I take a bath to relax.  My response was, "No, I don't want to look at them.  I'm mad at them."  But I think I'm entitled to feel a little sad and angry at times.   

I know it's a good thing that I have this option and can get rid of it, but I am comparing a mastectomy to how I felt when I changed my name after getting married.  I felt happy to change my name because I was marrying someone I love and we were officially a family, but I was also sad because I felt like I was losing a part of me.  I was losing a part of my identity. 

Now, I know my boobs do not make me, me.  The feminist in me would go crazy if I said that.  But, I will say that they have been a part of shaping me.  I developed much earlier than most girls in school, and in third grade I was the one wearing a training bra.  From there they became quite large and I was usually complaining about how my D's were causing my back to hurt.  After giving birth to my daughter, I promise you breastfeeding was the worst pain I've ever had to go through in my experience, and I also went through mastitis twice.  Now I'm 29 and have breast cancer and have to bid them adieu.  And really, most of my experiences have been negative, so you would think, "Why doesn't she just say good riddance!?" 

While they have caused me mostly pain and negative feelings, I like how I look.  I know I'm not perfect, but it took me a very long time to get to this point where I feel confident and love myself, every part, inside and out.  To me, it's unnatural to have fake breasts, even if it is for this reason.  God made me who I am, and that's who I'm supposed to be.  I just want to be me, how He made me. 

So tonight, I cry, and I wallow, and I feel sorry for myself.  But tomorrow is a new day, and I will gain a lot more information, and that will empower me and make me feel better.