One Year

It's been one year since I received a call telling me they found cancer in my biopsy.  Some days it feels like it was long ago, and other days it feels like yesterday.  I'd like to say that I don't think about it, but I do.  Every day.

Times I'm Reminded:

1. The times that remind me the most aren't even when I'm getting dressed seeing my scars in the mirror.  Those scars are my new normal.  It's actually when I'm pulling a heavy door, wiping down the counters, or lifting something heavy.  The surgery cut the muscles and nerves near my armpits, and every time I have to do any sort of heavy lifting or pulling, I feel a pull and and then a weakness.  Like something is missing and handicapping me from my strength.  I know I wasn't a body builder or anything before the surgery, but I did take a little pride in my strength.  Now knowing I have limitations lower than what I had frustrates me and I know it'll never be the same.

To combat that, I'm trying to slowly build those muscles up.  I jumped into a work out too hard and fast and ended up pulling my shoulder while doing burpees because it was too much weight on that area.  So instead of doing something with high impact, I joined a ballet class to build my muscles and flexibility.  I've only taken one class so far, but it was really fun and I loved the stretches it provided me.  I was even sweating!  It was either a good workout, or I must be more out of shape than I thought!

2. During breast cancer awareness month or when I hear commercials on the radio for the Avon walk for breast cancer.  It's great that there is so much awareness, but as soon as I hear those commercials I change the channel.

3. When I have to fly or do an activity more strenuous from my daily life.  Because they took out a lymph node to see if the cancer had traveled, I have to prevent lymphedema which is a condition where your limb swells up permanently due to a blockage in your lymphatic system and it can't be cured.  Don't say I didn't warn you if you Google image...yikes.  To prevent it, I have to wear a pressure sleeve and can't have blood drawn or my blood pressure taken on my left arm.  So over the summer when I went to Nashville I wore it on the plane and when I went kayaking.  Luckily I got a pretty one.

4.  I'll admit, like any warm blooded woman I have insecurities about swimsuit season.  But now I feel it even more.  Will the other women at the pool notice my breasts are fake and then raise an eyebrow and judge me?  Will my new body even look right in a swimsuit?  All semi-irrational thoughts, but they're there. 

5. Any time something else is wrong with me.  In November I had to have a biopsy on my uterus, and thank the Lord it came back clear.  (I was also told I have an acruate uterus which can make it difficult to get pregnant.  Whether that happened before or after Julia I'll never know.)  But I couldn't help but think, "Here we go again."  I'm more susceptible to other cancers (including uterine) because I had breast cancer under the age of 40.  My OB/GYN suggested I get a test done that tells you which cancers you're more likely to get, but I'm passing on that for now.  I just want a break.  Also, you would think the fact that I had cancer would mean it would automatically show up on a doctor's chart and their systems would talk.  Wrong!  I went in for an annual physical in the fall and had to update them, and then in December had strep (twice) and went to urgent care and had to update them as well.  Get it together, docs!

6.  And the one that weighs the heaviest on me: the other women in my life.  In January my mom went in for a routine mammogram and they found calcifications and she had to get a biopsy done.  When she told me I was at work and I kept moving toward the brink of tears.  Finally I ran to some co-workers who I felt comfortable with, closed the door and wept.  I felt so bad for them, but luckily for me I'm surrounded by amazing people.  Also luckily for my mom and our family, the biopsy came back clean!  Oooh did I rejoice.  I did NOT like being on the other side of the coin.  It was such a helpless feeling.

What comes with all that is guilt.  Knowing my mom, sister, and my precious baby girl have to inform their doctors of my health history in order to better take care of themselves and carry my burden makes me sick.  It breeds more frustration.

But what can I do with all that?  All I know how to at this point is to tell people, men and women alike, to advocate for themselves.  If something is off, get it checked out.  What's the worst that can happen?  They find something?  Then you know, and the earlier the better.  Get it taken care of.

I don't know why God saved me the way he did.  I walked off pretty easily.  Two scars is no big deal.  And sure, the aforementioned things remind me of this journey, but overall, things could be a hell of a lot worse.  So I will keep trying to do right by God and be the best person I can be and seek the reasons he decided to keep me around.  In the meantime, I will be happy loving on my daughter and my family and take it day by day.