Strong Like Mom

The radiation fatigue has hit.  This whole weekend I've felt so lethargic.  It's not really a sleepy type fatigue, it's more just a fatigue that reminds me of depression, where you want to do things and be productive, but you just can't bring your body to get up or get motivated to carry those activities out.  All weekend my mind was racing as it normally does, but I just couldn't do much.  The couch and bed got to know me quite well.  They wondered where I went.  Even today, by 9:30 I told Eric I needed a break, so he took Julia to a few stores to run errands, and I watched I Love Lucy and fell asleep on the couch. 

By 1:00 I decided it was time to shower, especially since I had made plans to meet up with a friend after Julia was in bed.  When I got out of the shower, I realized how raw my skin felt right under my breast.  I threw some yoga pants on, and slathered myself in aquafer.  Then I just laid on the bed for a while, waiting for some of it to soak in because it is so greasy it has been staining my shirts. 

That armpit is not looking good. 

Ouch.

I heard Julia come upstairs and thought, "Alone time is over."  She came into my room and had this immediate look of concern on her face.

J: What are you doing?
M: Laying down.
J: Why don't you have a shirt on?
M: Because my boo boo hurts. 

What happened next totally threw me.  She starting screaming crying, ran to do the door, and then yelled, "It's not fair!" and ran to her room.  I laid there for a quick second thinking, "What just happened?" I heard Eric come up the stairs and he was asking what was wrong and tried to console her.  I threw a shirt on and went into her room and sat on the floor with her where she was still crying hard. 

M: Julia, what's wrong??  Are you upset?
J: *Nods head*
M: What are you feeling right now?
J: Sad.
M: Why are you sad?
J: I don't know.  I wanna go in your room.

So we went onto my bed and I told her I wanted to talk to her. 

M: Julia, remember how I have cancer?

I saw her thinking back, and she shook her head yes. 

M: Well, Mommy's been going to the doctor because we're still trying to get rid of the cancer.  Every day I go and they point lasers at my boo boo to kill the cancer.  It's good, but my boo boo hurts and I'm tired.
J: Oh
M: But do you know what?  I'm so proud of how strong you've been through all of this.  It's really hard.  Look at your shirt though, do you know what it says?

She just happened to be wearing the shirt my sister gave her.

M: It says, "Strong like mom."

She then looked down and took her finger and dragged it across each word.

J: Strong. Like. Mom.
M: Yes, you are.  I love you.  Can I get you anything?
J: Milk and Lucky Charms.
M: Ok, do you have any questions?
J: Yeah, how come they have a water table like ours? (She gazed out the window admiring the neighbor's water table.)

 

 

Trying to understand, but unhappy in the meantime. 

And that was that.  But I'll admit I shed a tear or two during that conversation.  Looking back, I realize that was my fault.  I've been pretty back to normal until this weekend, and she probably thought I was doing just great.  But I never explained to her about the radiation, only every morning that I have to go to the doctor.  So when I told her I was hurting, it's no surprise looking back that she got upset.  It was a major wake up call to me that because it's not so visible, I still have to talk about it.  Otherwise, when it does become visible, it comes as a surprise to her, and times like these are going to happen.  

Photo from http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/sports/2014-03/19/content_17359254.htm

Moving forward, I want to continue to talk about it while not going overboard with it.  It's all about finding that balance.  Isn't that what a lot of parenting is though?  Trying to strike the right balance with any topic, both for you and your child.  It's like walking a tight rope, praying that you're finding balance to continue moving forward, but as you're walking you carry that inevitable fear of failure and falling.  Today I definitely fell.  But I'll climb back up and try again.  Lucky for me, I know Julia is a resilient kid that allows for me to climb back up.  I love being on her team.