Changed

Well, it's been quite some time since my last post, and I recognize now there's a reason for that.  I completed my last radiation treatment on August 18.  I choked back tears as I rang the bell with Julia, and I was so happy that we got to do that one together.

 

The next day was perfection.  My parents, Eric, Julia, and I went to Indiana for a Shine Festival.  It was gorgeous weather, and we got to set out our little picnic area, listened to music, and Julia got to jump in a bounce house while we waited for it to get dark.  We each got a biodegradable lantern and wrote any wishes on them. Then, it was time to launch them into the sky.  It was pure magic, and it was nice to do something physical and symbolic to release everything. I would do it again in a heartbeat.

 

Now for the reason I haven't blogged in a while: I think in my head I was just done and over it all, and I wanted to run away from it as fast as possible.  Now, I know deep down that wasn't going to work long-term, but after that marathon that started in February, I was just over it all and wanted to get back to "normal."

 

A few weeks later, I had a meeting with my nurse navigator.  She gave me a book on survivorship and a packet of all my medical history: When I was diagnosed, type of cancer, dates of surgeries, dates of chemo, type of chemo, start and end of radiation, and medications.  It's a thick packet.  She also went over the long-term side effects of all the treatment.  The thing that stuck with me the most though, was what she said about my emotional state and personality.  She said to me, "Now, everyone is going to think that now that you're done with treatment you're going to go back to normal.  But that's not the case.  This has changed you, and even you don't know how you're changed, so it's difficult to communicate that to people, and you're going to be frustrated because you're still figuring that out."

 

Amen to that x1000. 

 

Now that it's been a few months though, I am able to reflect and see some ways I've changed.

 

1. I Trust More - This is a big one.  I think it's really easy for those of us who are believers in Christ to say that we trust in God, but once you're faced with something like fighting for your life, you really have to.  And you don't have a choice.  For someone who is admittedly a recovering control freak, this was the hardest and most valuable lesson for me.  It feels so good to know that God has my back.

 

2. I Worry Less - This is a direct result of number one.  I've even seen evidence of this in my work.  Because I trust more, I've learned to not worry about things as much (or sometimes at all) any more.  I simply don't allow it.  I wonder where it will really get me and how much further it will get me.  The answer is always nowhere and not any farther at all.  In fact, recently I had a stressful task that always comes around certain times of the year at work.  I knew there was nothing I could do about the situation until a certain day, so I didn't think or worry about it until I could actually work on it.  It turns out, everything turned out great.  I then thought, "What if I had worried all week about this?  I would have stressed out, wasted productivity on worrying, and it would have been for nothing."  It's just not worth it.

 

3. I Seek Out Help - I was so overwhelmed with support this year (and two years ago) and it has helped me to not only receive help, but be ok with asking for help.  Pride can be something that stands in our way a lot.  But people have good hearts and want to help, so why not let them?  Also, I've recently started seeing a therapist to work through some individual life issues I'm dealing with, and it has been tremendous.  I look forward to each session and it is helping me build more self-awareness and work through the obstacles I currently have. 

 

4. I'm a Hypochondriac - Any twinge, pain, jab, anything.  I wonder, "Could it be back?"  But then that brings me to my worry stage and I stop myself there, and I don't allow it to go any further.  It's not that I put anything on the backburner, it's just that I allow time to play out and see if any patterns develop.  If they don't, I'm most likely fine, so I move on.  However, I do think every day how lucky I am.  The other day I was driving and thought to myself, "It is so great to feel healthy."  I think especially at my young age, we're not used to thinking our bodies could fall apart or that our lives could end.  We think we're invincible, and typically the older you get the gradually your body deteriorates.  That didn't happen for me.  I got a slap in the face and a reality check.  But I'm thankful for it, because now I know what I have, and I'm so grateful that I have it. 

 

5. I Think About Health Differently - Like most women, I used to worry about how I looked, if I was thin enough, and if I'd feel good in a swimsuit in the summer.  None of that matters any more.  That's not my goal.  When your body has been brought down, and every piece of your body down to your fingernails is negatively affected, you think about health differently.  I no longer want to be thin--I want to be strong.  I've started out slow (at the suggestion of my nurse navigator) by doing yoga via YouTube each evening.  Then I thought, "I need a goal, or I won't stick to this."  So what did I do?  I signed up for a (half) Tough Mudder: 5 miles of running plus 13 obstacles that include climbing, swimming, crawling, etc. in mud and water.  It's not until the end of August, so I feel like that's enough time to get in shape for it, but I needed that goal ahead of me so that I can work towards something.  I'm nervous beyond belief (I NEVER run), but I'm also really excited about this challenge I've set for myself.  The best part is I've got at least 6 other friends (who happen to be co-workers) to do it with me and be a team.  I'm super pumped.

 

These women (from Wonder Woman of course) are my new body role models.  Look at how strong and beastly they look!  I love it!

I'm still in the process of figuring things out, but now that I'm a few months removed, it's been good to reflect and see how I've morphed.  Maybe as my hair grows, my self-awareness will grow as well.