One Year

It's been one year since I received a call telling me they found cancer in my biopsy.  Some days it feels like it was long ago, and other days it feels like yesterday.  I'd like to say that I don't think about it, but I do.  Every day.

Times I'm Reminded:

1. The times that remind me the most aren't even when I'm getting dressed seeing my scars in the mirror.  Those scars are my new normal.  It's actually when I'm pulling a heavy door, wiping down the counters, or lifting something heavy.  The surgery cut the muscles and nerves near my armpits, and every time I have to do any sort of heavy lifting or pulling, I feel a pull and and then a weakness.  Like something is missing and handicapping me from my strength.  I know I wasn't a body builder or anything before the surgery, but I did take a little pride in my strength.  Now knowing I have limitations lower than what I had frustrates me and I know it'll never be the same.

To combat that, I'm trying to slowly build those muscles up.  I jumped into a work out too hard and fast and ended up pulling my shoulder while doing burpees because it was too much weight on that area.  So instead of doing something with high impact, I joined a ballet class to build my muscles and flexibility.  I've only taken one class so far, but it was really fun and I loved the stretches it provided me.  I was even sweating!  It was either a good workout, or I must be more out of shape than I thought!

2. During breast cancer awareness month or when I hear commercials on the radio for the Avon walk for breast cancer.  It's great that there is so much awareness, but as soon as I hear those commercials I change the channel.

3. When I have to fly or do an activity more strenuous from my daily life.  Because they took out a lymph node to see if the cancer had traveled, I have to prevent lymphedema which is a condition where your limb swells up permanently due to a blockage in your lymphatic system and it can't be cured.  Don't say I didn't warn you if you Google image...yikes.  To prevent it, I have to wear a pressure sleeve and can't have blood drawn or my blood pressure taken on my left arm.  So over the summer when I went to Nashville I wore it on the plane and when I went kayaking.  Luckily I got a pretty one.

4.  I'll admit, like any warm blooded woman I have insecurities about swimsuit season.  But now I feel it even more.  Will the other women at the pool notice my breasts are fake and then raise an eyebrow and judge me?  Will my new body even look right in a swimsuit?  All semi-irrational thoughts, but they're there. 

5. Any time something else is wrong with me.  In November I had to have a biopsy on my uterus, and thank the Lord it came back clear.  (I was also told I have an acruate uterus which can make it difficult to get pregnant.  Whether that happened before or after Julia I'll never know.)  But I couldn't help but think, "Here we go again."  I'm more susceptible to other cancers (including uterine) because I had breast cancer under the age of 40.  My OB/GYN suggested I get a test done that tells you which cancers you're more likely to get, but I'm passing on that for now.  I just want a break.  Also, you would think the fact that I had cancer would mean it would automatically show up on a doctor's chart and their systems would talk.  Wrong!  I went in for an annual physical in the fall and had to update them, and then in December had strep (twice) and went to urgent care and had to update them as well.  Get it together, docs!

6.  And the one that weighs the heaviest on me: the other women in my life.  In January my mom went in for a routine mammogram and they found calcifications and she had to get a biopsy done.  When she told me I was at work and I kept moving toward the brink of tears.  Finally I ran to some co-workers who I felt comfortable with, closed the door and wept.  I felt so bad for them, but luckily for me I'm surrounded by amazing people.  Also luckily for my mom and our family, the biopsy came back clean!  Oooh did I rejoice.  I did NOT like being on the other side of the coin.  It was such a helpless feeling.

What comes with all that is guilt.  Knowing my mom, sister, and my precious baby girl have to inform their doctors of my health history in order to better take care of themselves and carry my burden makes me sick.  It breeds more frustration.

But what can I do with all that?  All I know how to at this point is to tell people, men and women alike, to advocate for themselves.  If something is off, get it checked out.  What's the worst that can happen?  They find something?  Then you know, and the earlier the better.  Get it taken care of.

I don't know why God saved me the way he did.  I walked off pretty easily.  Two scars is no big deal.  And sure, the aforementioned things remind me of this journey, but overall, things could be a hell of a lot worse.  So I will keep trying to do right by God and be the best person I can be and seek the reasons he decided to keep me around.  In the meantime, I will be happy loving on my daughter and my family and take it day by day.

It's the Little Things

The other night I was uploading photos from my phone onto my computer, and in the process I decided to look through older photos from when Julia was a baby.  I came across quite a few of she and I when I was breastfeeding, and it hit me hard.  This one was my favorite.

Today, Julia took it upon herself to pull all of her sheets, blankets, and towels out of the bottom drawer of her dresser.  As I was folding, I came across a blanket that had two ends tied in a knot because I would use that as my cover up when I would breastfeed.  I stared sadly at it for a second, and then I untied it thinking, "Well, I won't need to do that ever again."  

I don't want to get into the melancholy feelings and everything, but it's the little things that hurt.  And the phrase, "You have no right to feel this way," pops into my head frequently when I feel this way, so then I just feel guilty.  It's a vicious cycle of emotions.  

Second Surgery

Well, it's been more than a week since my second surgery.  I haven't posted because quite frankly, I was in a low spot all week.  I don't know why I got so caught off guard emotionally, but it probably has to do with the fact that I thought I was going to go in, get out, and keep going back to normal. Wrong.  I got knocked on my butt and I got frustrated that I was physically limited again.

Tuesday morning I hung out with Julia as much as I could before we had to go to the hospital.  I was a little cranky because my report time was at 11:15 and I had to begin fasting at midnight.  Anyone who knows me knows that I love my food, and to go that long without eating while awake was a daunting task for me!  (First world problems, I know.)  So Eric drove me to the hospital and I wore loose, comfortable clothing as instructed, and as we approached the hospital, I had a sinking feeling in my stomach.  "I forgot my ID and insurance card!!" I shouted. I was so mad at myself!  I felt like a kid who had forgotten his homework as he pulls up to the school.  I told Eric to drop me off and called my mother-in-law to see if she could meet Eric half way.  When I walked in, my dad was there waiting for me and we went to the check in counter where I explained my kerfuffle.  She said, "Oh you don't have to send your husband back!  Let's take a look."  Apparently, I didn't truly need my ID and insurance card because they have it on record since I'm a regular.  I called my mother-in-law and my dad called Eric so they both wouldn't get too far, and I was able to breathe!

After we waited for Eric to come back, I checked in and we went up to the surgery waiting room.  They called me back and went through the normal routine.  However, I found out that the hospital gown I was wearing can hook up to a hose where they blow hot or cold air into it!  Bonus.  Here's a picture of me blown up in my gown signing my consent forms.

Last surgery they gave me anesthesia before I was rolled into the OR, but this time I got pretty situated before they gave me the anesthesia.  Because I was so nauseous afterwards, they gave me a little patch on the back of my ear to wear through the next day.  When I got to the OR, I shifted myself onto the surgery table, stretched my arms out to the side, then placed an oxygen mask over my mouth and nose.  The anesthesiologist said he was administering the anesthesia and that it would hurt a little at first as it went in.  It hurt more than a little.  But then I remember thinking, "Ok, here we go."  And out I was.  

When I woke up, all I can remember was I was already sitting up in a chair and they made me drink water and eat some Goldfish.  

I was so out of it so the directions the nurse was giving me were not really sticking, but I just remembered her saying I had to wear the wrap around my stomach I was wearing and the surgical bra for a week, and to make a follow up appointment with Dr. P for next week.  

The rest of the week was dreadful.  I took off the wrap the following morning and saw what my body looked like.  My stomach looked like a cliff: fat, and then a sharp drop off.  "Oh great," I thought. "I got some fat taken out but it looks worse than if it was left in there."  My waist is what hurts the most.  I was bruised pretty badly, especially on my right side.  My breasts were sore and bruised, but not too badly.  Dr. P went in through the same incision and he just placed steri-strips on them.  Here are a few photos of the aftermath.  

Not amused.

 Feeling gross, tired, nauseous, and blue.  That's life I guess.

On Sunday, I finally broke down when my poor, unsuspecting neighbor asked why I didn't attend our block's lady's night.  I told him I was just feeling down and wasn't really in a super social mood, and then I just started crying.  I apologized, and I felt bad that I was crying because, as probably mentioned before, I feel like I shouldn't be.  What do I have to complain about?  I'm cancer free, I didn't have chemo or radiation, and I'm now done with surgeries for a while.  But it's an emotional roller coaster, and this week I was in one of the dips.  

I can feel that I'm on my way back up though.  Returning to work on Monday I wasn't officially ready, but Tuesday I was so busy I didn't really have time to think about much of anything but work.  Plus, I think just putting on clothes other than sweats, putting makeup on, and finally driving myself and leaving the house helped.  

Then today I got a call from my nurse navigator, Jill.  She asked how I was doing and explained that they had a new patient who was also younger and will be seeing Dr. G and Dr. P for a bilateral mastectomy.  This lady is nervous about the surgery and has a lot of questions, and wants to talk to someone who has gone through it, but wants to talk to someone else who is also younger.  Jill told me that both she and Dr. G thought of me and wanted to know if I would be willing to give my information so this lady can call me.  I was so flattered that they thought of me and I of course agreed.  I'm never happy to hear that someone else has been diagnosed, but it makes me happy to know that I can be there for someone and potentially be helpful in a bad situation.  It made me think of the two ladies who really helped me out during this chapter, and I couldn't have done it without them.  To speak to someone in my age group who also went through it was invaluable.  I will always be willing to be a listening ear when it comes to this, or any situation.  

While this week has been a lower point, I feel confident that I am clicking my way up.  

Second Surgery Prep

I've been such a slacker with my posts.  Life just spun back into normalcy for the most part once I returned to work.  I was seeing my plastic surgeon about every other week for fills until I got to a size that I felt was right for me, and once we reached that point, he said to come back in 6 weeks.  So last Wednesday was that 6 week mark and I went in to talk about my options of permanent implants.

Dr. P showed me the silicon implants and said that in he past the silicon had a negative reputation, but all of the issues from the past have been fixed.  They also came out with a newer shape of a silicon implant, which is a teardrop.  He said that he's been using those for the last two years and is really happy with them because they look a lot more natural.  With a regular round implant, when laid flat there are ripples that are created.  With the teardrop it doesn't have that effect.  However, if the round moves around inside, you won't notice it.  If the teardrop moves, then it will be very obvious, which would require going in to readjust.

I opted for the teardrop and I was VERY pleasantly surprised when he told me I wouldn't have to have drains.  Hooray!!  I hated the drains with my last surgery.  He said that the thinking with the drains for this surgery is that it would decrease the chance of the implant moving around, but that he really doesn't see that as an issue.  In fact, he placed the implant on my leg and showed me how difficult it was to turn, and said that when he does surgery and has to adjust it's difficult to do.  Again, double hooray!!

This surgery he will also perform liposuction from my waist.  The reason not being that I am getting addicted to plastic surgery and am striving to be like Barbie, but because my left breast (which was the cancerous one) was more aggressively removed so I have very little tissue up top.  So my right breast has more and has a more natural progression from my chest to breast, whereas the left is quite a dramatic transition.  That also makes them look uneven.  So to alleviate that, he is going to do fat grafting from the fat from my waist.  (I told him to go crazy in that department and if he needs extra just in case, I'm ok with that.)

I was so anxious to finally get my second surgery date, but I still had to wait until 2:30 that day to call the office after Dr. P sent in the information.  So there I am at 2:29 dialing the phone, but I had to wait until the next day to confirm the date because she wasn't sure if there was an OR room available.  So FINALLY the next day she called me and said my surgery will be August 4!  I was happy with the date because it's just around the corner and won't impede with a lot of things that are happening with work later in the month.

He told me it will be outpatient and I should be back at work the following week.  So I'm comparing this surgery to a drive through run at McDonalds versus a sit down and eat experience at a restaurant.  At this point I'm not really nervous, but I'm sure come Monday night I'll start fretting a bit.  Just excited to get these expanders out because I hear the permanents are a lot more comfortable.

I have so much more to say regarding the entire experience and a recent trip to Nashville, but I will save that for another day.