What it Feels Like

People often ask me how I'm feeling, so I thought I would try to describe it, both physically and mentally.  Here it goes:

Physically... it's odd.  The main area of pain is in and around my armpits.  That's mainly because a lot of the nerve endings end there.  As I run my fingers down my neck, the further I reach my breast, the less feeling I have.  Towards the top I can still feel my skin, and it feels tight and plump.  Then as I reach the area closer to my stitches, I feel less sensation.  It's almost like the feeling you have when your leg falls asleep.  You know your leg is there, and you can kind of feel it, but not really.  Also, there is no "pins and needles" sensation.  It's just a muted touch.  In fact, I was trying to lay on my side, and as I was pulling my blanket up, I was touching something and thinking, "What is that?"  I soon realized, "Oh...it's my breast.  Whoops." 

My chest also feels quite tight.  At times I feel suffocated and I just want to grab a knife and cut them out so I can breathe.  I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest, and there's nothing I can do about it. 

It also hurts to really pull my shoulders back and have good posture, so I find myself with rounded shoulders and slouching often, mainly because I think subconsciously I'm trying to compensate for that feeling of tightness.  As a result, my neck and shoulders are quite sore.  Sometimes I try to lie on my back flat on the floor, and it hurts, but in a good way.  I can feel everything stretching, but when it comes time to sit back up, I look like a turtle lying on it's shell, struggling to turn right side up. 
Or maybe like this guy...

I'm sick of being propped up by pillows when I sleep and I just can't seem to get comfortable in any position.  I'm quite frustrated.

However, every day I feel like my range of motion increases a bit.  I try to put a little more weight on my shoulders every day so I can do the things I normally do: Putting cereal away on the top shelf of the pantry, using my arms to get up from the floor, and of course, picking up my sweet girl.  I do notice progress and today I picked Julia up a few times from the floor onto my lap.  I also took her from my dad for a few moments just to see if I could do it.  I could do it, but it hurt, and I think I still may need a few more days.  But, when I took that girl in my arms while standing, oooh boy did it feel good.  I think she agreed because when I took her, she kissed me on the lips.  That made my heart sing.

For some reason today, I just feel down in the dumps.  I don't know if I'm just extra tired or what.  I took a shower an hour ago for the first time in 2 days and it felt remarkable.  But seeing myself in all my glory just made me feel sad.  I feel like I'm gaining weight because I'm not moving around as much as I normally do, so the food doesn't have any choice but to settle.  My face is also looking nasty because I'm not washing my face as often due to fewer showers, and (let's be real) laziness.  And dressing in mainly yoga paints and sweatshirts doesn't really pump my self-esteem gauge very high.  I guess it's just one of those nights. 

Progress

Yesterday and today have been the days of pushing my limits to see what I am capable of.  Yesterday I went to see Dr. P to see how I was healing and he said it was coming along well, and *drumroll please* he took my drains out!!!!  Hooray!!!  I HATED those drains.  They made me feel like a science project.  It hurt when he took them out, but afterwards I felt great!  I was no longer feeling like a pregnant cat!  Here's a picture of the holes.  Gross, I know.  I also can't seem to get rid of those Sharpie marks...

I have to go see him again next Wednesday and he said he'd fill the temporary implants with some more saline solution at that time.  I'm hoping that's the last time we add to the temporary one and we can just go to the permanent after that.  The permanents are supposed to feel less tight and more comfortable. 

After the doctor, my dad and I went to the post office, an antique shop, and the donut shop in downtown Oswego.  It was fun to get out and feel productive.  I definitely napped afterwards though.

Today I had some more milestone progress:

1. I started my exercises.

2. I went for a walk around the block with my mother-in-law, Julia, and Chance.  She took Chance and I pushed the stroller.

3. I didn't take ANY pain meds today. 

4. I took a shower all by myself! 

5. I was more interactive with Julia when we played. 

Number 5 is my favorite of course.  It has definitely been a struggle to not pick her up, but she has adapted to it, slowly but surely.  Sometimes when she wants to be picked up, she goes to me with her arms up, and then she stops and turns towards Eric or whoever else is around instead.  However, yesterday she had a complete meltdown and it took a lot of energy to not lose it myself.  It was a full out tantrum of screaming and lying on the ground crying, and nothing would appease her. 

But today was a happier day.  She climbed onto the couch where I was sitting, and she squeezed in behind me and pulled me back so that I was leaning on her.  I would say, "Why is this couch so lumpy??" Then I'd wiggle my body and then she would stick her head out from behind with a huge grin and I'd gasp and say, "Ahhh!!  It's Julia!!!" Then she would burst out into laughter!  Of course, I would laugh too.  This went on for quite some time. 

Later, I was getting tired of sitting on the floor with her with no back support.  Usually I sit on the ground, but when I'm not recovering I'm also typically laying on my back and she climbs all over me like a jungle gym and also cuddles on my chest.  So I laid down on the ground with my back flat across the floor and it was slightly painful, but it also felt great!!  I think Julia missed me being on the floor so much that she walked over, squatted down beside me and said, "Hi, mommy!"  I felt like she was saying, "Hey!  I miss you down here with me!  Welcome back!" 

So today was a good day!  I was proud of myself for pushing myself and seeing what I'm capable of.  Tomorrow I am going to take a longer walk on my own and we'll see how much stamina I have.  Can't wait!

Good News

Today my dad spent the day with me.  He took me to my neighbor's to get my hair washed and then we made a list of things we needed for the house.  Diapers, milk, dog food, cereal, etc. I decided I should probably try to look somewhat presentable for my first outing in a week.  I put makeup on (gasp!) and then I stared at my closet.  I stared for a long time.  At first I thought, "I can throw that on."  Then I had to correct myself and say, "Uhh...no I can't because I can't put my arms over my head."  Seeing as though it was quite cold and very windy outside, I settled on jeans, a tank top that I could pull up over my waist, and a wrap sweater.  Also, because it was so cold, my dad insisted I wear a jacket.  The one I would normally wear was too small to encase myself AND my drains, so I wore a larger tweed coat of mine that was actually a good weight considering the wind.  I topped it off with a scarf to block any chance of anyone seeing my blindingly white surgical bra with thick straps.  Ta da! 

 

A little lumpy, but I think the naked eye would not notice anything off!  Yay for cold weather!  So we went to Meijer and picked up our few items.  I was feeling a bit tired already, but I was determined to go to Hobby Lobby so we could get a puzzle to work on together.  We picked out a country scene that encompassed everything I love: Nature, a farm, a nice home, a sweet looking old truck, AND a jack-o-lantern representing my favorite holiday of Halloween! 

 

My dad was sure it would take us a while because he said he's not the greatest at jigsaw puzzles.  I told him I was positive we'd finish in a few hours because it was only a 300 piece puzzle.  We took a few breaks for lunch and a short nap, but while watching many episodes of the Dick Van Dyke Show, we completed it! 

 

 





I was on the couch again after our great accomplishment, in the middle of a doze when I felt my phone ring.  I looked at the number and it was an unfamiliar one, but a local one, so I thought it could be my doctor.  Sure enough it was Dr. G checking to see how I was doing and to report that she had excellent news!  She told me that the pathology report came back and after looking at hundreds of slides, there was no sign of invasive cancer, so my decision to go with the bilateral mastectomy, while considering my family planning plans, was absolutely the right decision.  She said that the cancer encompassed an area of 7.2 cm (or 2.8 in) so it was bigger than we thought.  So I don't have to go through any more treatment, and basically, once I'm done with this process I'm done!  I have to meet with her next week Tuesday to get the actual pathology report and to figure out what my follow up steps and long-term plan will be, but otherwise the future is looking pretty good!!

As soon as I hung up I told my dad and we called my mom and she later told me she told her best friend at work the news and they both cried tears of joy.  Then Eric walked in with Julia and we told them the news.  He set Julia on my stomach.  I told her, "Mommy doesn't have to do chemo!!!"  It was like that little girl knew how great the news was and she laughed and started clapping.  We both said, "Yaaaaaay!!!" and continued to clap.  That was one of the best moments she and I have shared yet.

God has answered my prayers and all of those who have been praying beside me.  Today was a great day. 

Photos

Not too much new to report, but I was creeping on my mom's photos on her phone and came across a few pictures she took on the day of and a few days after surgery. 

 

This was taken a few minutes before they gave me anesthesia and wheeled me back!

 

This I did not realize had been taken. haha.  This was probably an hour or so after surgery, and I was clearly out of it. 

 

I know I already posted a picture of my dog visitor, but here's another gem.  You can never have too many dog photos!

 

This was when I first got home.  My mom wanted to see a side view and show me that I actually look like I have some boobs.  You can also see the bulkiness of the drains, and how I look after 3 days of not showering.  Yikes.