Stares, and I Don't Care

Let's talk about appearances.  There's a few different looks I've been rocking lately:

1. The Scarf

Mother's Day brunch!

This is what I mainly wear at work.  I do it so that I'm covered up and don't freak people out (mainly clients).  Although it's massively itchy at the end of the day and I rip it off as soon as I get in the car.  I only know one way to wrap them, but I need to watch some YouTube videos and find some different ways of tying/wrapping them to change it up.

2. The Chemo Cap

It usually comes further down over my ears, but I had just woken up and was too busy loving on Chance to fix it.

I only have a few of these, but I like them.  Some look like they're wrapped, and have some loose frills in the back.  Yesterday I picked Julia up from school, and one of her classmates told me I looked like a pirate. I laughed for sure. My favorite, though, is my sleep cap.  It's so soft!!

3. The Wig

I received a wig for free through the American Cancer Society, and was so grateful because wigs start at around $800 at a low price point.  I've only worn it once, and that was for our family photos last week.  The reason I wore it was because I wanted to look back on those pictures and show generations to come from our family, and I didn't want to remember us as the "the time I had cancer." 

4. All Natural!!

On the train to the city.  I was sad because Julia didn't want to take a picture with me!

By far my favorite route to go!  Especially now that it's hot out.  I like just being me with no fuss.

Because I don't wear the wig, I often go out in public with either the scarf, chemo cap, or nothing at all.  I used to always do a scarf or chemo cap, and then take it off in the car.  Lately though, I've been moving towards wearing nothing at all the entire time.  It's just so much simpler.  I was talking to a co-worker about this preference, and she said, "Oh man, if it were me I would just hide away."

I think that's a very natural reaction to want to do.  I'm to a point though where, for the most part, I just don't care what others think.  I think of it this way: The people who I know, know what's going on.  The people I don't know, I'll likely never see again.

That's not to say that I don't feel the stares.  I definitely do, and the stares happen whether I have a scarf, chemo cap, or nothing at all.  Most stares are subtle and I don't really catch them until the end, and when I make eye contact with them, their eyes dart away, and they continue with their business.  Others do the same, but then I see look back after the eye contact.  Others are just really blatant in their staring, which makes me laugh.

http://pixgood.com/lots-of-people-staring-at-you.html

I was at a pool and received a tour so I could see if I wanted to take Julia there for swim lessons.  The tour guide was showing me the pool through the large, glass windows, and there was a mom sitting on the bench with her back towards us.  She turned her body to look behind and saw us, and then just kept staring at me.  It was so blatant and obvious since she had to turn her entire body to look.  I would look at her and then at the tour guide, and every time I looked back she was still looking at me.  Finally I just held her gaze and kept staring back at her.  She finally turned back around.

That has become my tactic now.  Whenever I feel heavy stares, I just stare back and they move along.  But honestly, I don't blame them.  I assume they are having a conversation in their head with themselves trying to figure me out: "Does she have cancer?  She's pretty young to have cancer, though.  Maybe she's just trying to be hip?  Do her clothes match that look, though?  She has a young daughter.  How does that fit?  Maybe it is cancer?"  We all do it.  We all see people that don't fit a mold, or that we have difficulty labeling, so our gaze lasts longer as we try to determine what that person must be like.  Then we quickly look away if they catch us.  I do it.  You do it.  We all do it.  It's our human nature (for some reason) to want to put people in a box.  I've just typically been a run-of-the-mill person that never required much questioning.  Now I'm not.

Because all of this happens every day, I've truly gotten to a point where I don't care too much, and that's why lately I've gone mostly with nothing at all.  My main decision on how to go these days is mainly based on weather.  Will I be hot or cold? Cold = chemo cap or scarf.  Hot = nothing.  That's not to say that I'm totally, one hundred percent secure.  I've definitely had certain times of uncertainty and with reservation.

Yesterday I volunteered to be part of a focus group for someone we know through Julia's school.  It was held in an office in downtown Naperville, and the participants were women with young children.  I had a chemo cap in my purse and thought that if I chickened out, I could throw that on.  When I arrived I left that chemo cap in my purse.  I went into a store to ask for directions (I was a little lost), then went to the focus group.  In my head I was always wondering how people might treat me differently, but it was great!  Nobody really looked at me funny, questioned me, or treated me any differently.

Here I am, world!

Afterward, I reflected on that positive experience, and it gave me even more confidence to just keep going, do what I want to do, and present myself without hiding.  It's been 4 months since I've been diagnosed, and I still have a ways to go.  Tomorrow is my last chemo session, which is great!  But then I have the next chapter, which is radiation.  I'm not nearly done yet.  So while the natural tendency may be to hide away, we have to remember why I'm doing all this in the first place.  It's to continue living.  So that's what I'm going to do, without reservation.