Wake Up Call

Monday was an emotional day, both for the good and the bad. 

The Good: It was my last chemo treatment.  Hooray!!  I won't feel completely done with chemo until this weekend when I start to feel better, (currently I'm tired, nauseous, constipated, etc.) but it's nice to know that it's done and over.  I got to celebrate with my nurses and ring the bell that all last timers get to ring.  As I put my bag down to ring it, I could feel myself getting choked up.  I don't know why and didn't expect to get emotional, but it felt good to have my family and all those amazing nurses surround me, cheer, and clap as I rang that bell. 

The Bad: I'm so not done.  This journey will be longer than a triathlon.  It started with biopsies and ultrasounds, a lumpectomy, and chemo.  That's all done.  Now it's radiation and hormone therapy.  (Not to mention I had a double mastectomy 2 years ago). 

3 months ago my nurse navigator asked me if I wanted to meet with my radiologist.  I declined because I just wanted to focus on the task at hand each step of the way.  But as the end to chemo came near, I wondered about what was awaiting me around the corner. 

I've known I would have to start taking Tamoxifen, which is the hormone therapy pill I will have to take every day for 5 years.  My cancer is 95% estrogen receptor positive, basically meaning the effects of estrogen fuel my cancer.  This is actually a good thing because the Tamoxifen can take care of that pretty easily by blocking those effects.

Side effects of the pill though, include things like weight gain, hot flashes, irregular or no periods, mood swings, and depression. Let's take a look at that list again.  Irregular or no periods.  In order to get pregnant, a woman must be having periods. 

A History Lesson: Eric and I have wavered back and forth on having a second child since before I had cancer the first time.  We were about to start trying (Julia was 18 months at the time) and then I got diagnosed in March of 2015.  My mastectomy was in April, and my follow up surgery was in August.  After that I wanted to give my body a break, and I wanted a break from doctors.  Then spring of 2016 rolled around and we started talking about it again, then started trying, but it just didn't happen.  Then February 2017 is when I was recently diagnosed this second time around. 

The other medical note is that chemo would reduce my fertility by 30-40%, but I've been receiving injections every 3 weeks to protect my ovaries so that doesn't happen.  So I was kind of hopeful that maybe after all was said and done that we could try again.  But I left somewhat discouraged on Monday. 

Every chemo session I meet with my medical oncologist, Dr. U.  I had these questions swirling in my head about getting pregnant ready to go.  This is how the conversation basically went:

M: I wanted to ask you about the Tamoxifen and getting pregnant.  I was wondering if it was possible to hold off on the Tamoxifen and we try to get pregnant after radiation is done, and then start when all that is done.  Mainly because my daughter is already 3.5 and Eric is 42. 

Dr. U: Well, here's the thing.  From my perspective I'm actually really antsy to get you on the Tamoxifen.  In fact, I normally don't start patients on it until after radiation, but I'm going to start you 3 weeks in because I know that Tamoxifen will be good for you.  I mean at this point we hope chemo is working, but I have greater confidence in the Tamoxifen and that's why I want you on it. 

M: So what realistically is the earliest I could come off it and interrupt it?

Dr. U: Well, here's the thing.  You won't start getting periods again until earliest 6 months from now because of the chemo.  (Side note, I haven't had a period since March.)  So it doesn't make sense to delay the start of Tamoxifen.  You may also potentially get periods on the Tamoxifen, but we don't know until it happens.  If you don't, it will still take a few months once you're off the Tamoxifen for you to start getting periods.

M: And then who's to say I'll get pregnant right away.  That in itself could take a while.

Dr. U: Right.  The thing is, the Tamoxifen will prevent it from going somewhere else in your body.  Once it's somewhere else in your body, you're automatically stage 4 and incurable.  I want to keep you where you are and cure you.
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That was my wake up call.  I am so not done.  There's still risk.  I'm still vulnerable.  Nothing is a guarantee. 

And here I am trying to plan to get pregnant.  What good is having another baby if down the road I may not be around to care for him/her?  It's at that moment some of my dreams were dashed.  I always thought I would have two children, ideally two girls.  I know what it's like to have a sister, and I love it.  Deep down I've felt like our family has been incomplete.  I can't describe the feeling.  So to hear that it will either happen longer down the road, or most likely not at all, is heartbreaking. 

On Saturday, Eric, my grandma, and I were sitting in the backyard while Julia played in the water table, and she said, "I need a friend to play with." Eric said, "I'll play with you." Julia responded, "You're too big.  I need a little friend."



http://foreverymom.com/family-parenting/5-things-ive-learned-from-my-stillborn-son-audrey-scott/

I don't know that she'll ever get that little friend.  It's not to say I think only children are doomed or anything.  I have plenty of friends who are only children and they're pretty awesome.  I just think it's nice to have that possibility at least in front of you.  For Eric and I, we no longer have that luxury.  I wish I could just let it sit in God's hands.  But now I feel like we have to take control one way or the other: Interrupt Tamoxifen and try, at the risk of my own health?  Just go 5 years on Tamoxifen and we stay our family of 3 (4 including Chance)?  Adopt?  I don't know.  I just feel like at some point we have to make a decision, and I hate having to be so definitive. 

This whole journey has been a test in my trust in the Lord, and I feel like I've made progress.  Now I feel like I'm forced to take a few steps back because of this.  At this point though, today, there's nothing I can do.  All I can do is pray and reflect.  And I'll be doing some hard praying in the coming days and weeks to come, hoping for some direction, answers, and peace.  In the meantime though, I'm enjoying the blessing God has already bestowed upon us, which is our angel, Julia.  She is my joy and my light.  If we don't have another, at least I was given the gift to be called "Mommy" by this precious creature of ours.  I love her with my entire being, and am eternally grateful.