Life is Fragile

I haven't posted in a while because these last few weeks have been awful.  My dear friend, Susie, whom I mentioned in my post about my second chemo session, has been living a nightmare.  I won't go into too many details, but in a nutshell, her husband, Matt, was admitted to the hospital on June 6, became unconscious, and never woke up.  He passed away on June 13.  Yesterday was the wake, and today the funeral.  They have two young girls.  I am devastated and can't believe this has happened.  I'm still stunned.  What's even more disturbing is that the doctors can't even give her a reason as to what happened or why he died.  Her life has been turned upside down in an instant, and she has lost the love of her life.  My heart aches for her, and I want so badly to help and to fix it, but I'm powerless.  All I can do is mourn with her. 

Two weeks ago, I also met my radiologist.  I will go into details about radiation in a different post in the future, but this visit was again, a reminder that I am not out of the woods.  He told me I was not a "slam dunk" case, and that there were things he was weighing before developing his plan.  This was 3 days after my oncologist told me he's antsy to get me on Tamoxifen so that I don't go into stage 4. 

These meetings coupled with Matt's death have especially put things in perspective for me.  Matt fought for his life and was taken in such a quick and freakish manner, where questions still swirl.  For me, I have confidence that I will beat this, but I'm fighting for my life in a totally different manner.  I also can't help but wonder if I'll have to fight again down the road, and not win.  It came back once already, who's to say it won't come back again.  The other day Julia had to go to the bathroom and she said, "Mommy, help me!"  I said, "Come on, you don't need me, you're a big girl.  You know how to go on your own." She said, "No!  I do need you!"  I said, "Ok, I hope you remember this!  When you're 16 and you tell me you don't need me, I'm going to remind you of this!"  And then I thought, "I hope I'm still around when you're 16." 

The last week I've felt healthy and my energy is back.  And the great thing is that I don't start radiation until July 5, so until then, it's like I'm back to normal (theoretically).  So I feel like I get a few weeks of health, and with this coupling of feeling like life is precious, I want to just do everything.  I don't want any moment wasted.  I'm to the point where I feel like sleep is a waste of time. 

However, this is contradictory to my goal for the year, both at work and personally, which is to practice rest, quiet, and self-care.  I've read Present over Perfect and it resonated so much with me.  I've been trying to be ok with quiet, and trying not to fill every moment with activity.  Summer has especially been welcomed, as I sit on the porch on the rocking chair.  Sometimes reading, sometimes talking with Eric, sometimes watching Julia play, sometimes just sitting.  It's been a welcome change to my constant hum of action.  Always trying to be productive.  Call me crazy, but I honestly believe that some of that contributed to my diagnosis. 

So now I feel like I've been having this tug of war with myself.  Getting as much packed in while I can, versus not spiraling back into becoming a do-aholic.  I haven't decided which route to go down, but unfortunately, I think old habits die hard.  Maybe I'll get lucky and strike a balance.  Until then, I'll keep praying for Susie and her family, and keep fighting my fight.