Stares, and I Don't Care

Let's talk about appearances.  There's a few different looks I've been rocking lately:

1. The Scarf

Mother's Day brunch!

This is what I mainly wear at work.  I do it so that I'm covered up and don't freak people out (mainly clients).  Although it's massively itchy at the end of the day and I rip it off as soon as I get in the car.  I only know one way to wrap them, but I need to watch some YouTube videos and find some different ways of tying/wrapping them to change it up.

2. The Chemo Cap

It usually comes further down over my ears, but I had just woken up and was too busy loving on Chance to fix it.

I only have a few of these, but I like them.  Some look like they're wrapped, and have some loose frills in the back.  Yesterday I picked Julia up from school, and one of her classmates told me I looked like a pirate. I laughed for sure. My favorite, though, is my sleep cap.  It's so soft!!

3. The Wig

I received a wig for free through the American Cancer Society, and was so grateful because wigs start at around $800 at a low price point.  I've only worn it once, and that was for our family photos last week.  The reason I wore it was because I wanted to look back on those pictures and show generations to come from our family, and I didn't want to remember us as the "the time I had cancer." 

4. All Natural!!

On the train to the city.  I was sad because Julia didn't want to take a picture with me!

By far my favorite route to go!  Especially now that it's hot out.  I like just being me with no fuss.

Because I don't wear the wig, I often go out in public with either the scarf, chemo cap, or nothing at all.  I used to always do a scarf or chemo cap, and then take it off in the car.  Lately though, I've been moving towards wearing nothing at all the entire time.  It's just so much simpler.  I was talking to a co-worker about this preference, and she said, "Oh man, if it were me I would just hide away."

I think that's a very natural reaction to want to do.  I'm to a point though where, for the most part, I just don't care what others think.  I think of it this way: The people who I know, know what's going on.  The people I don't know, I'll likely never see again.

That's not to say that I don't feel the stares.  I definitely do, and the stares happen whether I have a scarf, chemo cap, or nothing at all.  Most stares are subtle and I don't really catch them until the end, and when I make eye contact with them, their eyes dart away, and they continue with their business.  Others do the same, but then I see look back after the eye contact.  Others are just really blatant in their staring, which makes me laugh.

http://pixgood.com/lots-of-people-staring-at-you.html

I was at a pool and received a tour so I could see if I wanted to take Julia there for swim lessons.  The tour guide was showing me the pool through the large, glass windows, and there was a mom sitting on the bench with her back towards us.  She turned her body to look behind and saw us, and then just kept staring at me.  It was so blatant and obvious since she had to turn her entire body to look.  I would look at her and then at the tour guide, and every time I looked back she was still looking at me.  Finally I just held her gaze and kept staring back at her.  She finally turned back around.

That has become my tactic now.  Whenever I feel heavy stares, I just stare back and they move along.  But honestly, I don't blame them.  I assume they are having a conversation in their head with themselves trying to figure me out: "Does she have cancer?  She's pretty young to have cancer, though.  Maybe she's just trying to be hip?  Do her clothes match that look, though?  She has a young daughter.  How does that fit?  Maybe it is cancer?"  We all do it.  We all see people that don't fit a mold, or that we have difficulty labeling, so our gaze lasts longer as we try to determine what that person must be like.  Then we quickly look away if they catch us.  I do it.  You do it.  We all do it.  It's our human nature (for some reason) to want to put people in a box.  I've just typically been a run-of-the-mill person that never required much questioning.  Now I'm not.

Because all of this happens every day, I've truly gotten to a point where I don't care too much, and that's why lately I've gone mostly with nothing at all.  My main decision on how to go these days is mainly based on weather.  Will I be hot or cold? Cold = chemo cap or scarf.  Hot = nothing.  That's not to say that I'm totally, one hundred percent secure.  I've definitely had certain times of uncertainty and with reservation.

Yesterday I volunteered to be part of a focus group for someone we know through Julia's school.  It was held in an office in downtown Naperville, and the participants were women with young children.  I had a chemo cap in my purse and thought that if I chickened out, I could throw that on.  When I arrived I left that chemo cap in my purse.  I went into a store to ask for directions (I was a little lost), then went to the focus group.  In my head I was always wondering how people might treat me differently, but it was great!  Nobody really looked at me funny, questioned me, or treated me any differently.

Here I am, world!

Afterward, I reflected on that positive experience, and it gave me even more confidence to just keep going, do what I want to do, and present myself without hiding.  It's been 4 months since I've been diagnosed, and I still have a ways to go.  Tomorrow is my last chemo session, which is great!  But then I have the next chapter, which is radiation.  I'm not nearly done yet.  So while the natural tendency may be to hide away, we have to remember why I'm doing all this in the first place.  It's to continue living.  So that's what I'm going to do, without reservation.

Love and Marriage

Today is mine and Eric's fifth wedding anniversary!!  We're a whole hand in marriage!  Wow.  What a ride it's been.  Some days I feel like we've known each other our whole lives, and others I feel like I'm still learning him. 

 

A few months ago I was talking to a co-worker who is engaged, and I asked how he was feeling about getting married.  He said he was pretty good and didn't really see how a wedding would change the relationship.  Over all the sense I got was that he didn't seem too worried about anything, and said, "I mean, I just don't see how it's going to make things different."  I responded, "Life just happens, and you don't know how you're both going to respond." 

Unsuspecting as to what's to come.

And it's true.  Cancer is my life and my reality right now.  Nobody could have predicted that I'd have to walk through this particular forest, and do it twice.  The other day I was getting ready and I asked Eric, "When we spoke our wedding vows and we said 'in sickness and in health,' did you think it'd be you taking care of me first?"  He said, "No way."  I think honestly we both didn't think that would happen.  I think simply because Eric is ten years older than I am, and I'm absolutely the more nurturing one, and I think we both just thought I would eventually take care of him.  But then God threw us this curve ball. 

What's strange is that back in January, I remember Eric and I having a conversation regarding how he handled my first go at cancer.  I told him that I was hurt at how he handled it because, in my eyes, he always acted like it was no big deal.  He never seemed worried to me, and I told him I was the most hurt when I told him that I got the call that it hadn't spread, and he said, "Oh that's good." He said it as if I told him it was going to be sunny and 73 degrees out the next day.  But he said he just never worried because he always knew that it was going to be ok, and that he wanted to be strong to me.  That everything he read it said to be strong for me.  I told him that's not what I needed.  What I needed was for someone to be scared with me and to walk alongside me during that time. 

So wasn't it funny, when just one month later I got diagnosed again.  Since we had this conversation recently, I told him explicitly what I needed from him.  I needed him to be open with me.  I needed him to share how he was feeling at the moment.  I told him I know his default is to go into strength mode in times of crisis (he was a Marine after all), but that I needed him to push beyond his comfort zone in order to help me.

I have to say, he hasn't been perfect, but he's definitely been better this time around, and I know it's been hard for him to stretch beyond that comfort zone.  He has told me how he's feeling, when he's scared and why, and has supported me in my decisions when navigating through all of this.  He has taken care of me during my tough days, taken time off to be there during treatments, and just held me when I needed it.  He has even gone to programs at the cancer center like a caregiver support group and to a group to find out what to do and what to say to best help.  Oh, and I can't forget the fact that he was the one who shaved my head!

Now, that's not to say this has all been rainbows and ice cream.  It hasn't.  We have had our yelling matches FOR SURE.  Times when I'm not feeling like my needs are being met, or times when we're both just tired and stressed.  I remember one battle when I wanted to talk about it, and he got upset and didn't want to talk about it because he said he thinks about it all day, people ask him about it all the time, and he just wanted a break.  Well, for me, I needed to confide in someone and process and needed him for that. Obviously our needs were different and just didn't align at that moment.  We were both burnt out and each antidote was the cause of the other's burn out.  Doesn't allow for much harmony. 

Marriage is hard.  It takes work.  As cheesy of a metaphor as this is, marriage is like a garden.  You absolutely have to tend to it every day, or your plants and flowers will begin to wilt or become overrun with weeds.  It has to be watered.  Weeds have to be pulled.  You have to take care of pests.  And all of this is done on the best of days!  Now imagine you have just riddled your garden with poison and you're trying to keep it all alive with that new variable thrown in.  Not easy. 

So, has our marriage been peachy keen?  Absolutely not.  Cancer is hard and it makes your relationships hard.  But I will say this: We are definitely stronger.  We are trying to learn each other during times of personal crisis.  How does one react and how do we help the other, while still trying to navigate the traitorous waters ourselves?  I also feel like in this short 5 years, we have been through a lot.  Becoming new parents, changes in jobs for each of us, and moving to a new house are some of the other changes we've been through amongst everything else.  We're choosing to become stronger over defeat, and in the meantime, I feel like our marriage is growing it's own little suit of armor.  We never wanted or asked for this path, but it's the path God has chosen for us, and we are doing our darndest to walk through it together successfully, in love. 

I can see the confidence coming through!  Nothing can scare us!

Scared

Today is Mother's Day.  I love being a mother, and I hit the jackpot when it comes to who God blessed me with for a daughter.  Lately I feel her being so protective of me.  In fact today, I was taking a nap on the couch and I mentioned I was cold.  As I drifted off again, she went upstairs, into my closet, fished out a sweatshirt I had worn the night before, brought it down for me and said, "Here mommy."  She's also so grateful and it astounds me that at 3.5 she makes me feel so appreciated.  This morning we went to Meijer, and when we got into the car she said, "Thank you, mommy.  Thank you for buying me fruit snacks."  That kind of statement is not abnormal.  Every day she thanks me for something that I feel is every day life and that any mother would do for her daughter.  But I have to say, it feels good to be appreciated. 

We had a lovely day today, filled with breakfast in bed, my mom coming over, barbequing, making our own ice cream, and bubbles.  All of it was wonderful.  I should have been in a better mood, but I was on edge all day.  When I took a moment to think about it, I realized how nervous I am about tomorrow, my third chemo session.  Especially after what happened last time, I just don't know what to expect any more.  I know it's only been twice, but neither session looked like the other, so it's hard for me to feel any comfort in the repetition. 

I also hear people telling me I'm halfway through a lot.  I know they're trying to be encouraging, but I'm totally dragging.  Even on this past good week, I've been discouraged.  My muscles ache after going up a flight of stairs as if I just did a 45 min. step class, and I've noticed a few spots on my hands where my skin is peeling.  I'm struggling.  I feel like I'm running a marathon, and I'm tired, hurting, and just want to walk and go home.  But I know I have to keep moving those feet and I hate it.  Here's to praying for an uneventful day and week to follow. 

Chasing bubbles

Blessings

I feel like I've been a Debbie Downer lately, so I wanted to highlight some of the positive things that have emerged from all of this.

1. The Outpouring of Love
I mean, where do I begin?  Without getting TOO gushy, the people in my life are rock stars.  I feel like I am one of the luckiest people on the planet, based alone on the people I'm surrounded with.  From my immediate family, extended family, friends from all various walks of life, my amazing co-workers/work family, to Julia's teachers.  I have received nothing but support, understanding, prayers, notes of encouragement, meals, and much, much more.  Every day I am humbled and touched by how amazing people are, and I am nothing less than eternally grateful. 

I created a wall of all the notes, cards, and encouragement I've received.

One of my staff arranged for people to surprise me every week to make me smile. That alone is amazing. This week the surprise was a private concert! She sang "I Wanna be Like You" from the Jungle Book, and a spiritual song called "The Storm is Passing Over."

2. My Relationship with Julia
Julia and I have always had a close relationship, as I would hope and assume most mother/daughter relationships by the age of three would be.  However, my goal has always been to have such a sense of trust and honesty between us both, that by the time she's a pre-teen/teenager, she will be comfortable to talk to me about anything, and it won't have to be uncomfortable.  That is my goal.  I want to be a resource to her and someone she can truly and comfortably turn to.  (Do not mistake this for me wanting to be her friend.  I don't.  I have many friends (see above), and I am her mother first.  Maybe when she's 21 we can be friends.)  But with us going through this journey together, I feel like our relationship has deepened because we're having to deal with harder things that most mother/daughters at this stage would encounter.  She is such a trooper, so inquisitive, and so loving.  I'm getting misty eyed as I write just thinking about her sweet disposition and her unending curiosity.  She has many, many questions, and I always try to answer her with as much honesty as I possibly can.  I feel my ultimate goal is reachable, as I feel the foundation is already being poured for a continued relationship of trust and dependability. 

Feeling nasty, but nothing like a grilled cheese sandwich picnic in bed!

3. My Trust in the Lord
I have been tested to the brink with this.  I have always said I trust in God to do what's best, to not worry, and have faith that everything is in His hands.  Words are great.  Actions are another story.  I've recognized that while I truly do believe all of that, I wasn't/haven't been putting complete trust in Him.  I'm a control freak.  I like a plan.  I like to know what's coming.  I like being productive and active.  All of that has gone out the window.  I feel like I should have learned my lesson the first time around, and I did a little, but obviously not enough.  I feel like this journey is such a test, and is forcing me to practice trusting FULLY in God, and also being ok with it.  I came across this prayer, and have taped it on my wall over my computer at work as a daily reminder. 

4. My Morning Routine
Having no hair anywhere is great!  When I shower, I put a drop of conditioner on my hands and rub that on my scalp to keep it moisturized.  I don't shave my legs, and my legs have never been smoother!  Sometimes I rub them together like a grasshopper in awe of the smoothness!  Then my time to blow dry my hair is replaced with coordinating a scarf to go with what I'm wearing, and the time it takes to tie it is probably about a minute. 

Smooth as a baby's bottom!

So there you have it.  Four legit, positive outcomes of a cancer diagnosis.  Fight on!