Scared

Today is Mother's Day.  I love being a mother, and I hit the jackpot when it comes to who God blessed me with for a daughter.  Lately I feel her being so protective of me.  In fact today, I was taking a nap on the couch and I mentioned I was cold.  As I drifted off again, she went upstairs, into my closet, fished out a sweatshirt I had worn the night before, brought it down for me and said, "Here mommy."  She's also so grateful and it astounds me that at 3.5 she makes me feel so appreciated.  This morning we went to Meijer, and when we got into the car she said, "Thank you, mommy.  Thank you for buying me fruit snacks."  That kind of statement is not abnormal.  Every day she thanks me for something that I feel is every day life and that any mother would do for her daughter.  But I have to say, it feels good to be appreciated. 

We had a lovely day today, filled with breakfast in bed, my mom coming over, barbequing, making our own ice cream, and bubbles.  All of it was wonderful.  I should have been in a better mood, but I was on edge all day.  When I took a moment to think about it, I realized how nervous I am about tomorrow, my third chemo session.  Especially after what happened last time, I just don't know what to expect any more.  I know it's only been twice, but neither session looked like the other, so it's hard for me to feel any comfort in the repetition. 

I also hear people telling me I'm halfway through a lot.  I know they're trying to be encouraging, but I'm totally dragging.  Even on this past good week, I've been discouraged.  My muscles ache after going up a flight of stairs as if I just did a 45 min. step class, and I've noticed a few spots on my hands where my skin is peeling.  I'm struggling.  I feel like I'm running a marathon, and I'm tired, hurting, and just want to walk and go home.  But I know I have to keep moving those feet and I hate it.  Here's to praying for an uneventful day and week to follow. 

Chasing bubbles

Blessings

I feel like I've been a Debbie Downer lately, so I wanted to highlight some of the positive things that have emerged from all of this.

1. The Outpouring of Love
I mean, where do I begin?  Without getting TOO gushy, the people in my life are rock stars.  I feel like I am one of the luckiest people on the planet, based alone on the people I'm surrounded with.  From my immediate family, extended family, friends from all various walks of life, my amazing co-workers/work family, to Julia's teachers.  I have received nothing but support, understanding, prayers, notes of encouragement, meals, and much, much more.  Every day I am humbled and touched by how amazing people are, and I am nothing less than eternally grateful. 

I created a wall of all the notes, cards, and encouragement I've received.

One of my staff arranged for people to surprise me every week to make me smile. That alone is amazing. This week the surprise was a private concert! She sang "I Wanna be Like You" from the Jungle Book, and a spiritual song called "The Storm is Passing Over."

2. My Relationship with Julia
Julia and I have always had a close relationship, as I would hope and assume most mother/daughter relationships by the age of three would be.  However, my goal has always been to have such a sense of trust and honesty between us both, that by the time she's a pre-teen/teenager, she will be comfortable to talk to me about anything, and it won't have to be uncomfortable.  That is my goal.  I want to be a resource to her and someone she can truly and comfortably turn to.  (Do not mistake this for me wanting to be her friend.  I don't.  I have many friends (see above), and I am her mother first.  Maybe when she's 21 we can be friends.)  But with us going through this journey together, I feel like our relationship has deepened because we're having to deal with harder things that most mother/daughters at this stage would encounter.  She is such a trooper, so inquisitive, and so loving.  I'm getting misty eyed as I write just thinking about her sweet disposition and her unending curiosity.  She has many, many questions, and I always try to answer her with as much honesty as I possibly can.  I feel my ultimate goal is reachable, as I feel the foundation is already being poured for a continued relationship of trust and dependability. 

Feeling nasty, but nothing like a grilled cheese sandwich picnic in bed!

3. My Trust in the Lord
I have been tested to the brink with this.  I have always said I trust in God to do what's best, to not worry, and have faith that everything is in His hands.  Words are great.  Actions are another story.  I've recognized that while I truly do believe all of that, I wasn't/haven't been putting complete trust in Him.  I'm a control freak.  I like a plan.  I like to know what's coming.  I like being productive and active.  All of that has gone out the window.  I feel like I should have learned my lesson the first time around, and I did a little, but obviously not enough.  I feel like this journey is such a test, and is forcing me to practice trusting FULLY in God, and also being ok with it.  I came across this prayer, and have taped it on my wall over my computer at work as a daily reminder. 

4. My Morning Routine
Having no hair anywhere is great!  When I shower, I put a drop of conditioner on my hands and rub that on my scalp to keep it moisturized.  I don't shave my legs, and my legs have never been smoother!  Sometimes I rub them together like a grasshopper in awe of the smoothness!  Then my time to blow dry my hair is replaced with coordinating a scarf to go with what I'm wearing, and the time it takes to tie it is probably about a minute. 

Smooth as a baby's bottom!

So there you have it.  Four legit, positive outcomes of a cancer diagnosis.  Fight on!

Wasted Day

I know no day is truly wasted.  But for me, today felt wasted, and I hate it. 

It rained.  It was cold.  I was tired.  My bones ached.  I did nothing.

Nothing but lie on the couch and drift in and out of sleep.

I watched Julia play, but I didn't play with her.

I feel empty that I let a day get by us without something fun.  Not even a trip to the library was done. 

I'm mad, bitter, frustrated. 

And all I can do is try again tomorrow.

Listening

I've been trying to prioritize myself so that I recover more quickly instead of pushing myself.  I've stayed home all week, and plan to go back to work tomorrow.  I was thinking of going in today, but the more I thought about it and listened to my body, I knew I wasn't ready.  I knew I'd be dragging, and tired, and sore, and sick to my stomach.  And if I could get a lot done at home, why not?

Also, rest is something our office is trying to achieve, and if I keep pushing myself beyond my limits, what kind of a role model am I for my staff, who are also a bunch of work horses and I wish they would take it easy on themselves as well.  No, I needed to stay home.  I feel better because of it.  It's an odd change of pace, but God is telling me (in more ways than one) to rest.  I can't be good for anyone if I'm not good for myself. 

Chance keeping me company.

I've also been listening to Julia more.  On Sunday, Eric and I told her I was getting more medicine on Monday and that I would need to rest and Eric would need to put her to bed this week.  So we tried prepping her.  Well on Tuesday when we said Eric was putting her to bed, she lost it.  It was rough.  She was very clingy, whiney, crying at the drop of a hat, etc.  That is not her normal disposition.

I asked Eric to bring down the book my sister had given us, which is written specifically for younger children whose parent is going through breast cancer.  I emphasized the parts of the medicine and how the mommy needed to rest, but that her energy would come back.  When she finally got into bed, we talked for a good 20 minutes about everything.  A snippet looked like this:

J: Why do you need to rest?
M: Because the medicine the doctors give me makes me tired.  But if you help me be letting me rest, I will have more energy later.
J: Where is your ouchie?
M: *I show her my ouchie.
J: Is that the cancer?
M: No, that's where the doctors went to get the cancer out.
J: Oh, is the cancer all gone now?
M: Well, we don't know, so that's why I need the medicine to make sure I don't have to get more ouchies later.
J: What does the cancer look like?

At that point I pulled up an OLD picture from 2 years ago of my MRI.  It was the only concrete thing I could think to show her.  Then she wanted to see other women's scars and other women in general with breast cancer.  I showed her and said that we are not the only ones going through this.  It's not good, but we're not alone, and that even across the street our neighbors are going through it. 

Yes, it was past her bedtime.  Yes, these questions were slightly mature.  But I have always wanted for Julia and I to be open and honest with one another.  I want to be that someone she can trust throughout her life, and these times are the foundation.  There's no way I can lie to her or hide this from her.  I'd also rather make it more concrete instead of her filling in the blanks with negative thoughts. 

The last two nights have been somewhat similar in conversation, but I don't mind.  Today her teacher said she had a really balanced day and said things like, "Mommy is losing her hair and she needs to rest."  And tonight she had a GREAT night.  We made a snack, sat on the couch and watched a show, and I even felt good enough to give her a bath!  She was so cooperative and we had such a fun time.  We ended with another cancer conversation, but in the end she was laughing and smiling, and we always end the night with "I love you."  I feel like I overuse the word, but I am nothing but proud of that little girl. 

On a lighter note, I face timed with my mom last night since we can't see each other for another week due to her shingles!  I told her that I decided I look like Forest Gump and it's too bad it's not Halloween.  I showed her my profile and she laughed so hard she cried!  I kept saying, "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get," and, "Stupid is as stupid does."  She said she felt bad for laughing at me but hadn't laughed that hard in a long time.  I was happy to oblige! haha.

Here's to hoping that tomorrow brings another fruitful day!