Listening

I've been trying to prioritize myself so that I recover more quickly instead of pushing myself.  I've stayed home all week, and plan to go back to work tomorrow.  I was thinking of going in today, but the more I thought about it and listened to my body, I knew I wasn't ready.  I knew I'd be dragging, and tired, and sore, and sick to my stomach.  And if I could get a lot done at home, why not?

Also, rest is something our office is trying to achieve, and if I keep pushing myself beyond my limits, what kind of a role model am I for my staff, who are also a bunch of work horses and I wish they would take it easy on themselves as well.  No, I needed to stay home.  I feel better because of it.  It's an odd change of pace, but God is telling me (in more ways than one) to rest.  I can't be good for anyone if I'm not good for myself. 

Chance keeping me company.

I've also been listening to Julia more.  On Sunday, Eric and I told her I was getting more medicine on Monday and that I would need to rest and Eric would need to put her to bed this week.  So we tried prepping her.  Well on Tuesday when we said Eric was putting her to bed, she lost it.  It was rough.  She was very clingy, whiney, crying at the drop of a hat, etc.  That is not her normal disposition.

I asked Eric to bring down the book my sister had given us, which is written specifically for younger children whose parent is going through breast cancer.  I emphasized the parts of the medicine and how the mommy needed to rest, but that her energy would come back.  When she finally got into bed, we talked for a good 20 minutes about everything.  A snippet looked like this:

J: Why do you need to rest?
M: Because the medicine the doctors give me makes me tired.  But if you help me be letting me rest, I will have more energy later.
J: Where is your ouchie?
M: *I show her my ouchie.
J: Is that the cancer?
M: No, that's where the doctors went to get the cancer out.
J: Oh, is the cancer all gone now?
M: Well, we don't know, so that's why I need the medicine to make sure I don't have to get more ouchies later.
J: What does the cancer look like?

At that point I pulled up an OLD picture from 2 years ago of my MRI.  It was the only concrete thing I could think to show her.  Then she wanted to see other women's scars and other women in general with breast cancer.  I showed her and said that we are not the only ones going through this.  It's not good, but we're not alone, and that even across the street our neighbors are going through it. 

Yes, it was past her bedtime.  Yes, these questions were slightly mature.  But I have always wanted for Julia and I to be open and honest with one another.  I want to be that someone she can trust throughout her life, and these times are the foundation.  There's no way I can lie to her or hide this from her.  I'd also rather make it more concrete instead of her filling in the blanks with negative thoughts. 

The last two nights have been somewhat similar in conversation, but I don't mind.  Today her teacher said she had a really balanced day and said things like, "Mommy is losing her hair and she needs to rest."  And tonight she had a GREAT night.  We made a snack, sat on the couch and watched a show, and I even felt good enough to give her a bath!  She was so cooperative and we had such a fun time.  We ended with another cancer conversation, but in the end she was laughing and smiling, and we always end the night with "I love you."  I feel like I overuse the word, but I am nothing but proud of that little girl. 

On a lighter note, I face timed with my mom last night since we can't see each other for another week due to her shingles!  I told her that I decided I look like Forest Gump and it's too bad it's not Halloween.  I showed her my profile and she laughed so hard she cried!  I kept saying, "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get," and, "Stupid is as stupid does."  She said she felt bad for laughing at me but hadn't laughed that hard in a long time.  I was happy to oblige! haha.

Here's to hoping that tomorrow brings another fruitful day!