I've been trying to prioritize myself so that I recover more quickly instead of pushing myself. I've stayed home all week, and plan to go back to work tomorrow. I was thinking of going in today, but the more I thought about it and listened to my body, I knew I wasn't ready. I knew I'd be dragging, and tired, and sore, and sick to my stomach. And if I could get a lot done at home, why not?
Also, rest is something our office is trying to achieve, and if I keep pushing myself beyond my limits, what kind of a role model am I for my staff, who are also a bunch of work horses and I wish they would take it easy on themselves as well. No, I needed to stay home. I feel better because of it. It's an odd change of pace, but God is telling me (in more ways than one) to rest. I can't be good for anyone if I'm not good for myself.
Chance keeping me company.
I've also been listening to Julia more. On Sunday, Eric and I told her I was getting more medicine on Monday and that I would need to rest and Eric would need to put her to bed this week. So we tried prepping her. Well on Tuesday when we said Eric was putting her to bed, she lost it. It was rough. She was very clingy, whiney, crying at the drop of a hat, etc. That is not her normal disposition.
I asked Eric to bring down the book my sister had given us, which is written specifically for younger children whose parent is going through breast cancer. I emphasized the parts of the medicine and how the mommy needed to rest, but that her energy would come back. When she finally got into bed, we talked for a good 20 minutes about everything. A snippet looked like this:
J: Why do you need to rest?
M: Because the medicine the doctors give me makes me tired. But if you help me be letting me rest, I will have more energy later.
J: Where is your ouchie?
M: *I show her my ouchie.
J: Is that the cancer?
M: No, that's where the doctors went to get the cancer out.
J: Oh, is the cancer all gone now?
M: Well, we don't know, so that's why I need the medicine to make sure I don't have to get more ouchies later.
J: What does the cancer look like?
At that point I pulled up an OLD picture from 2 years ago of my MRI. It was the only concrete thing I could think to show her. Then she wanted to see other women's scars and other women in general with breast cancer. I showed her and said that we are not the only ones going through this. It's not good, but we're not alone, and that even across the street our neighbors are going through it.
Yes, it was past her bedtime. Yes, these questions were slightly mature. But I have always wanted for Julia and I to be open and honest with one another. I want to be that someone she can trust throughout her life, and these times are the foundation. There's no way I can lie to her or hide this from her. I'd also rather make it more concrete instead of her filling in the blanks with negative thoughts.
The last two nights have been somewhat similar in conversation, but I don't mind. Today her teacher said she had a really balanced day and said things like, "Mommy is losing her hair and she needs to rest." And tonight she had a GREAT night. We made a snack, sat on the couch and watched a show, and I even felt good enough to give her a bath! She was so cooperative and we had such a fun time. We ended with another cancer conversation, but in the end she was laughing and smiling, and we always end the night with "I love you." I feel like I overuse the word, but I am nothing but proud of that little girl.
On a lighter note, I face timed with my mom last night since we can't see each other for another week due to her shingles! I told her that I decided I look like Forest Gump and it's too bad it's not Halloween. I showed her my profile and she laughed so hard she cried! I kept saying, "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get," and, "Stupid is as stupid does." She said she felt bad for laughing at me but hadn't laughed that hard in a long time. I was happy to oblige! haha.
Here's to hoping that tomorrow brings another fruitful day!
Well, today was quite the experience. I tried to sleep in a little since we didn't have to be at the hospital until 10:00. I got to have a little tea party with Julia, eat breakfast with her, and get her ready for gymnastics. It was lovely.
Eric and I left around 9:30, and when we got to the parking lot we prayed in the car before entering. I started crying and I guess I didn't realize how stressed I was until we started praying. But I asked God to give me strength, the doctors and nurses strength, and to give my friends and family members peace. I've been working on trusting in God more. I realized I say that I do, but when I look at my actions, I'm such a control freak that I don't TRULY give it all to him.
My mom couldn't come with because unfortunately, she got shingles!! I feel so bad for her. So I can't see her until she's healed. I hope that's sooner than later. Eric, my dad, and my dear friend/sister Susie came. Susie is our childhood neighbor, and is someone I've known since I was 4, my sister was 2, and Susie was 6. The three of us have grown up together, and we consider each other family. It was so nice of her to offer to come.
I'd guess we're probably 8, 6, and 10 here.
All grown up!
Susie and my dad
Eric hates having photos taken of him. haha.
Me before the drama.
My biggest concern about today was getting them to find a vein easily, and hoping the effects weren't as bad this time around once I got home. Luckily for the first one, they only had to try twice to find a vein. Success! They started with the anti-nausea meds, then a flush, then the Taxotere. Last time the Taxotere had no effects during the infusion. It was the second bag, the Cytoxan, that got me.
So we were all eating lunch (Jersey Mikes this time!), and then when the Taxotere started, we were eating the beautiful cupcakes Susie had brought from a shop in Naperville. We were all chatting away, when suddenly, my chest hurt and felt really tight. I said, "Oh, I'm in pain...my chest hurts." After I said that, the pain shot like a rocket, and then I said, "I can't breathe." They had given me a little bell that you would see on the counter of the front desk of a hotel to ring if I needed something. I rang that bell so hard, you would have thought I was on Family Feud.
Everything after that is a blur. I couldn't breathe for a good 30 seconds. About 5 or 6 nurses came rushing over, said they were stopping the Taxotere and flushing me. I heard Susie say, "Malita, can you take any breaths in?" I shook my head no. She said, "She can't breathe." Then I coughed a bit. They laid me down, attached me to oxygen and I started breathing really shallow breaths. My face was so tight. I couldn't see myself, but I imagined my face to be puffing up and exploding it felt so tight.
I started crying because I was so scared. Susie wiped my tears and stroked the hair that is left on my head. I don't remember what my dad or Eric did, but they both said later they had no idea what to do. My dad had run to the nurse's station after I rang the bell but felt like that was all he could do. It must be so hard to feel helpless and I know that I myself would hate that feeling. I thanked Susie for being motherly. In retrospect, it's probably a good thing my mom wasn't there, or she'd totally be pulling a Shirley McLain in Terms of Endearment.
Eventually I was able to breathe normally again, and they had given me 2 doses of Benedryl. I had so much anxiety and stress, I began cramping and the pain shot to my back. My hands and legs were tingly and I couldn't stop shaking. Susie asked if they were going to give me Ativan to take the edge off (she's a pharmacist), but they were waiting because they had already giving me so much Benedryl.
In the midst of this, I asked for my phone, logged into my work email, and pulled up my boss's email address. I handed it to Eric and said, "Email Karen. Tell her what's happening and ask for them to pray for me." I totally believe in the power of prayer, and I needed an army of prayers. Later I found out that my co-workers did pray for me. Again, I'm so lucky, blessed, and grateful to have such amazing, caring, faithful co-workers that I consider friends.
Eventually after about 5-10 minutes, all that Benedryl and Ativan kicked in, and that cramping pain went away. My eyes got quite heavy from all the Benedryl, but my nurse said my coloring was back to normal. I said, "My coloring?" He said, "You were purple, and then red as a tomato, and then pale."
Me coming down after the drama.
The nurse practitioner came over and explained I had a reaction, but that it's actually not uncommon, and it will happen in the first 15 minutes. I had it after about 4 minutes into the Taxotere. Dr. U came by and said I was ok, that there was nothing to be scared about. I couldn't bring myself to open my eyes and be polite. I'll admit, I was kind of wanting to say, "Yeah, you're not the one who wasn't breathing!"
But it did comfort me to know that's not totally uncommon. They said they would decide whether to continue today, or try again tomorrow. I told her, "I know it's ultimately your decision, but I'd rather just do this all today." I just didn't want to come back, waste a day, find a vein again, and worry about it all in the meantime. Luckily, they decided to proceed. She said they gave me steroids to combat the reaction, and that the remaining treatments they would do the same. The plan was also to disperse the Taxotere more slowly than normal as well. When we started back up, the nurse stayed with me for the first 15 minutes to make sure the reaction didn't happen again. (By the way, my nurse's name was Buddy, and all I could think of was My Buddy, the great toy of the eighties.)
After the first 15 minutes passed, I was off to sleep. The Benedryl knocked me out and I slept most of that hour and a half. Then it was on to the second bag, the Cytoxan. That was the one I was more afraid of. I definitely got a headache and the metal mouth taste, but not nearly as bad as last time. Then, I got a happy surprise!
A woman brought her therapy dog to visit all of us! Her name was Josie and was part Bernese Mountain Dog and part Poodle. She was adorable!! So sweet and friendly. I LOVE dogs, so seeing her and petting her after everything was a real treat.
To end the day, we all played a few rounds of Balderdash and then I was done!!! Hooray! I was the last one in there and we left a little after 5 even though the cancer center closes at 5. Whoopsie.
I got home and definitely felt sleepy. Eric did the first part of Julia's bed time and I did the second, which is my favorite anyway. As Julia was praying she said, "Thank you for people that pray." She had no idea about what happened today, but perhaps she sensed it. I thought it was so amazing that she said that.
I feel pretty good other than my sleepiness, so it's off to bed I go. I'm grateful for Susie, Eric, and my dad, for my co-workers and their prayers, and for my Julia. When I was laying there trying to get into a normal breathing pattern, I thought of her and knew I had to get it together for her. She is always my strength and motivation.
This week I've been quite busy because I've been feeling great! I haven't taken any meds or prescriptions, and that's including over the counter stuff. It feels so good to be operating normally. My energy is high, and it feels great to be unlimited again. It's so nice to feel pure joy.
Julia's teacher has been teaching her class the song Here Comes the Sun by the Beatles. Julia was singing it in the car one day on the way home, and I got so excited! I thought, "God bless, Miss. Jennie for teaching her a Beatles song!!" So then I found it on my phone and played it for Julia, and she got so excited and said, "Hey! This is the song we sing in the blue room!" So every day this week I've been playing the song on the way home with her, and we sing along.
As I listened a little carefully to the lyrics though, I thought of how appropriately they apply, especially this week:
Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here Here comes the sun Here comes the sun, and I say It's all right
Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here Here comes the sun Here comes the sun, and I say It's all right
Monday is my next treatment day, and it's been looming for me on the horizon. But I've just been trying to live it up and enjoy the sun. For now, Julia and I will keep singing our hearts out. Feel free to sing along.
On Tuesday I went to a program called Look Good, Feel Better. It was a chance to learn how to apply makeup and how to do head wraps and coverings. There were four of us and the instructor. Two of the women were probably in their late forties or in their fifties. The other was 81 and had stage 4 colon cancer. She looked so great and was as sweet as can be. The session was fun because we did our makeup, but then we would take little side roads of conversation about chemo, skin side effects, radiation, being positive, etc. It was nice. It kind of gave me a glimpse at what maybe a support group might look like. It has me thinking I may want to try one.
After all the makeup!
These past few days, my hair has been falling out a lot. I would run my fingers through my hair and quite a few strands would be trailing behind. Yesterday, when I showered, the drain catcher had so much hair at it, the water was struggling to go down the drain. Then when I brushed it and dried it, more and more was falling out. Yesterday, I really wanted to shave it, but we were celebrating my dad's birthday. My dad in particular has always liked long hair, so I figured I'd go one last day for his sake.
This morning though, it was out of control. I couldn't go another day with this impending feeling. I just wanted to shave it off and stop seeing it fall out. I was going back and forth, and then I remembered what one of my co-workers said to me a few days ago. I told her I was thinking about shaving it off this weekend and she said, "You're the boss." So today I remembered that and thought, "She's right. I am the boss. It's my life and I get to choose."
Me looking so irritated with this hair, ready to shave it off.
I got out of the shower and told Eric it was time. Eric cuts his own hair and has his own clippers. He brought the shopvac upstairs and as he was cleaning the clippers, I talked with Julia. I told her it was time to shave my head. Then I looked up pictures of bald women and women with buzz cuts and showed them to her. Then it was time.
Eric had me sit down in the shower and off we went! He ran his fingers through my hair and said, "Oh wow, it really is coming out a lot." He started shaving and as it was falling off I was feeling somewhat liberated. It was nice to have it come off and get ahead of the game. I could feel the care he was taking, and then I'd peek over to see Julia carefully watching.
When we were done, Eric said, "You actually don't look too bad!" I looked in the mirror and thought the same. I looked at Julia and I said, "What do you think, Julia?" She looked and said, "Pretty." I love her. She's just the best. And I know that when she answers me, she speaks with pure honesty and heart.
All gone!!
I don't feel too bad! A little chilly in the back, but I like it. I am ashamed to admit though, that I'm a little afraid to go out in public. I'm not excited about the unwanted attention I'm going to get. I will inevitably get stares. But I have to either get used to it or get past it. What matters is that the people in my house think I'm pretty. I have my faith, a roof over my head, food in my belly, people that love me, and the ability to smile. The rest is noise.
So, not much has really been concluded since Monday. Everything came back normal, and my nurse has called me every day to check on me. I've honestly been feeling really good. I mean, I still am having bathroom issues, I can't taste anything, and my skin is dry, but I can function now. I've gone to work, taken care of Julia, grocery shop, cook, etc. I'm living life again.
Wednesday night was the first night in a week that I got a solid 7 hours of sleep. I felt like a million bucks the next morning! I told my nurse I was having trouble sleeping, so she told me it was okay to take something like Tylenol PM or Z Quil. Done! I was so desperate to get more than 4 hours of sleep. I'm so glad it worked.
Yesterday I woke up with a sore throat, so my nurse said to come in today. I saw the nurse practitioner, and she said it could be thrush. So she prescribed me an antibiotic. She also wanted to see if my blood counts were still low, and if so she'd prescribe another prescription to eliminate the chance of infection. At this point, I could probably have my own pharmacy.
I think right now the most frustrating side effect is my lack of taste. I LOVE food. I constantly eat. I love cooking every night. Now, all food tastes the same. Broccoli would have the same taste as a cookie. It's so sad. Especially because there's nothing that can be done about it. For now, I'll take advantage of my 7 hours of sleep and try to dream about the day when I will be able to appropriately taste food again.
Today I had an appointment with Dr. U. He wanted to check in with me since this was my first chemo session. His nurse asked me all of my symptoms and side effects and I had my little journal and listed them off. She kept looking at me funny, then said she'd send Dr. U in.
Dr. U walked in and sat down pretty close in front of me and just said, "Ok, what's going on?" I described how I've been feeling the past week and he wrote notes on the butcher paper of the examination seat. Then he sat for a second and then said, "Shit."
"Uh oh...that's not good!" I thought. He started kind of thinking out loud and said that I shouldn't be feeling this badly. That the chemo I'm getting shouldn't cause diarrhea, he already gave everything in his arsenal for nausea, that this chemo doesn't really cause nausea that badly, and the rash/acne really threw him off. He said for the heartburn he could prescribe something for me, and that was easy to take care of. But he was kind of confused by the others, and the timing and the delays of them didn't seem right to him. Then he examined my stomach and pushed down and asked if it hurt. It did.
He kind of sat there thinking for a while, and I said, "Sorry." I felt bad being this case that stumped him. Although I've been kind of an anomaly this entire journey. Why stop now, right? He said, "Don't say sorry, it's not your fault. I just have to figure this out in two weeks so you don't have to keep going through this again."
He ordered blood work, an abdominal X-ray, and a stool sample. He said all this could be the chemo, but in the case that it's something else, he wants to make sure so that we completely rule that out and we're not ignoring another issue. He is also having his nurse call me every day to monitor how I'm doing.
I got everything done afterwards, so hopefully I'll get some answers in the next few days. While it's somewhat concerning that something else could be going on, it was mentally comforting to hear that maybe I'm not as weak as I thought I was. Last week was such an immense struggle, and knowing that it shouldn't have been like that made me feel better. Maybe we can make the next go around a little easier. Here's to hoping!
I was so silly to think that this would be tolerable. That I would just have a few "tired" days, eventually lose my hair, and everything would pretty much go on as normal. I feel so stupid.
I've been at war with my body these last few days. I have no idea what it's doing. No control over what happens. I'm angry with it. I'm angry with it for not being stronger. I'm angry with it for making me be emotionally weak. I'm angry with it for limiting me. I'm angry with it for not letting me be the mom I should be.
I've kept a journal of all of my symptoms so that I can notice patterns and see what I experience on specific days after the session to better prepare for next time. Here is how I've felt the last week:
My appetite is totally suppressed, and mouth is always dry and has a metallic taste. In fact, both the roof of my mouth and my tongue have the same sensation of when you burn it on hot soup. So even when I do eat, it tastes like a lot of nothing.
The nausea killed me the first few days. They gave me a steroid and 2 anti-nausea meds, and it suppressed it, but it never went away until maybe mid-day Friday. That also made me not want to eat.
I'm tingly in my limbs from elbow and knees down, but I'm achy everywhere, mainly my joints. The achy feeling is all over, but then I'll also get random shooting pains throughout my body during the day.
And then I'm just weak. Like a sailboat with no wind. Going to Hobby Lobby yesterday to pick up 2 picture frames sucked the life out of me. We were at the checkout waiting for an attendant, and I was scanning the area for a nearby chair. No luck. So I leaned on the counter and put my weight on that. The woman behind us I'm sure was like, "What the heck is going on with her?" But I didn't care.
And of course, there's the never ending diarrhea and heart burn. Fun times.
All in all, imagine being drunk, hungover, and having the flu all at once. That's how I feel.
I feel weaker than others. A friend who had it 3 years ago said she just had 2 tired days and then went back to work. The nurses said that this chemo was very "tolerable" and I should be able to go on with my daily life with no major issues. Well here I am, and I've missed 3 days of work. Thank God I work for an organization that I love, that has supportive supervisors and co-workers. I went to work Thursday because of the pressures I put on myself. I should have just rested that day, and maybe I would have been fine on Friday. Instead, I called my mom Friday crying. She was great and came over after work to help with Julia and to just help take care of me. But I'm upset that I even need help. I should be the one helping others. Not the other way around.
I've been extra weepy these past few days. Julia's teacher sent me a text on Friday and it said:
"Just wanted to pass on that when we were outside today Julia came up and asked for a hug. I asked her if she was ok and she said, "My mommy is still sick and the next time she gets her medicine, her hair will come out, but I won't be scared because it will grow back and she will get better soon." She wasn't upset, jus very matter of fact about it! You guys are doing such a great job of keeping her in the loop about what's ahead! She is such a special young lady, Malita."
I started crying. Again for the two reasons I previously posted about, which is I hate that she's having to think about this, but also so incredibly proud. That girl amazes me. She is my role model. But just like her mommy, she can't always be strong.
Last night, Eric was getting ready to bring her upstairs to put her to bed. She started crying and said that she wanted me to put her to bed, and Eric explained that I needed to rest. She cried more, hugged me and said, "I miss you so much!" Then I started crying. I was right there, but to her, she feels as though I've been absent. And I have been. I'm absent from the mother I normally am. And not that I'm super, perfect mom every day. Lord knows I'm not. But I'm a better version than what I have been lately. We ended up compromising, and I told her to go upstairs and have daddy help with pjs, and that I would come and read and do prayers with her.
..............................................................................................................................
Julia just came in and taught me a lesson. I'm laying in bed writing, and Julia has woken up and come into my room. She climbs into bed with me we had a thoughtful conversation:
M: Do you want to go and paint a mug for grandpa's birthday today?
J: Yeah.
M: And it's going to be nice outside today, you could blow some bubbles.
J: Yeah, but we have to get dressed and somebody has to go outside with me. Maybe daddy can go outside with me because he's not sick. You're sick so you can't go outside with me.
M: Well, maybe I could go outside today. We'll see how I feel. We'll just have to treat each day special and see what we can do.
J: Ok
So there we go. Lesson learned. I'll just have to take things day by day. See how far I can push without exhausting myself. The journey to not be at war with my body will continue I'm sure, but hopefully get better over time. I need to learn acceptance and humility. I need to not be a control freak (in all aspects of my life). And while I know that not all of that can be solved overnight, I need to just be open minded and try to pray and work on those things a little bit every day.
Well, here we go! Session number one. Eric and I both dropped Julia off at school earlier than usual. As I left her, one of her teachers handed me a bag with the softest, cream colored blanket inside of it. I thanked her a lot (I LOVE BLANKETS!!) and she had tears welling up in her eyes and said, "I was Julia. I was Julia because my mom went through exactly what you're going through. I started welling up and hugged her. It's amazing how those women in that school have rallied around us, and more importantly Julia. I can't tell you how comforting it is to know that your only baby is being taken care of, and well. And that in these rougher waters, she has an oasis.
Her teacher sent me this photo and said that Julia said that she was feeling, "extra snuggly."
We arrived to the cancer center around 8:15 and did my vitals. The nurse asked, "Is this your first treatment?" I said yes, and she was surprised. She said, "You seem so calm!" I said, "Well, might as well go after it, right? You gotta do what you gotta do." Then I went back to see Dr. U. It was a quick visit, but before he walked me back he said, "Well, after today you'll be a quarter of the way through!" Then Eric said, "You're halfway, halfway done!" Dr. U said he liked that and was gonna use that one in the future instead.
Then we got to the chemo room, and since I was a first timer, got placed in a private room next to the nurses station. Perk: you get a tv. My nurse was great and I liked her a lot. But what I feared came true.
Dr. U was against getting a port surgically placed in my chest since I'm only doing 4 sessions, and said we would just do it through the IV. But I know I have terrible, fragile veins. Because they took a lymph node two years ago, I've always been told to do my blood pressure and any IVs or blood draws on my right arm, which is limiting. They tried 5 different times on my left hand, to no avail. It's painful each time you do it. My left hand looks like a connect the dots page. Eric said he was getting upset, and so was I. When someone pokes you and digs around 4 different times, irritability sets in. Finally they called a third person in to try, and they asked Dr. U if they could use my left arm and he said yes. Finally, after 30 minutes of this, the new nurse got it in on the first try. I guess sixth time's a charm!
After we finally got the IV in. Eric said, "Only you would smile for this picture."
So we were finally on our way. The first bag was an anti-nausea med, then a flush. Then it was the first med which is the Taxotere, which took an hour. Then a short flush, then the second bag, the Cytoxan, which was another hour.
During that time, Eric and I watched The Price is Right! We also had many visitors. First a few volunteers who are "Faces of Hope" because they have all been through similar paths. They are there to talk or not, or bring you any juice or snacks, blankets, or pillows. Then the hospital chaplain came in and we all chatted for a while, and then we all prayed together. Then my dad came with Portillos, and my mom eventually met us during her lunch hour. We had a good time chatting and watching Wheel of Fortune.
Gotta have your Portillo's.
Eric picked this up at the snack table. I told him he should have proposed with this. He said he wished he would've known that.
Towards the middle of the second bag (the Cytoxan) I started getting this odd pain in my sinuses and behind my eyes. It was hard to describe. Also, they warned me that everything would taste like metal, but I didn't realize that side effect would rear its ugly head so instantaneously. This was me:
We stopped on the way home to pick up a few items at the store that we had forgotten, and then came home to rest. I was happy to get to my computer and crank out a bunch of emails and work for a few hours before we had to pick up Julia. I was feeling a bit nauseous and weak, but ok.
Chance, Sense and Sensibility (my favorite movie when I'm sick), and my new, aforementioned blanket!
Then Julia got home and as the night grew on I got sleepier and sleepier. I told Julia I needed to lie down, and she said, "Well I don't want you to lie down!" (She gets upset when I'm not 100%) So I said, "Well mommy doesn't feel well, so I need to rest so I feel better." So she said, "Oh, well I have a cold, so I need to lay under the blanket and rest with you." I happily obliged.
By 7:00 I could barely keep my eyes open, but I pushed to 8:00 so I could take an anti-nausea med. My nurse had told me to set an alarm for 3:00am to make sure I got up to go to the bathroom to flush my system. I woke up before the alarm at 2:30am and then couldn't fall asleep for the life of me. I was feeling sick and took another anti-nausea med. I tried to fall asleep, but I couldn't stop thinking and the nausea didn't help. I ended up ordering some photos at Meijer online and watching Friends. I finally fell asleep around 4 for about an hour. Then I was up again and then it was time to shower. I was absolutely planning on going to work today, but then it got messy, literally.
I got in the shower, and it was starting to hit me hard. Then I heard Julia come in and said she had to go potty. I stopped my shower, and she announced that she had peed all over the toilet. At this point, I was about to lose it. Eric was in his bathroom, and we share a wall, so I banged on it, and said, "I need your help!" So here I am, sopping wet, wrapped in a towel, about to throw up. Julia is on the toilet, pee all over, pants down. Eric picks her up, wipes up the pee, and took her into her room to change. I shut the door, lift the toilet seat, and hang out there for a while. Luckily, I didn't throw up.
But I was nervous that with that combination of nausea and the weakness, I didn't think I'd make the long drive to work. So I decided to play it on the safe side, especially because this is the first time and I don't know how the days will play out. I've started a journal for each day, and have written down the symptoms I experience and then rate them on a scale of 1-5. That way I can keep track of any patterns and remember for the next sessions. Today I've spent my morning working which is good. So I'm happy about that.
I've also definitely noticed the lack of appetite the nurse warned me about. I usually snack all day and eat lunch as early as 11:00. Today I had a small bowl of cereal, and by 1:00, I hadn't eaten anything else. I didn't even feel hungry, but my stomach was growling up a storm. So I had some pretzels and cheddar cheese. Then I just had cottage cheese and pineapple. So the grazing is happening. Today is also a day where my mother-in-law is home with Julia, so she's been helping me and is cooking homemade chicken noodle soup as we speak! It's smelling great! Maybe the appetite is coming after all. We'll see how tomorrow goes.
