I was so silly to think that this would be tolerable. That I would just have a few "tired" days, eventually lose my hair, and everything would pretty much go on as normal. I feel so stupid.
I've been at war with my body these last few days. I have no idea what it's doing. No control over what happens. I'm angry with it. I'm angry with it for not being stronger. I'm angry with it for making me be emotionally weak. I'm angry with it for limiting me. I'm angry with it for not letting me be the mom I should be.
I've kept a journal of all of my symptoms so that I can notice patterns and see what I experience on specific days after the session to better prepare for next time. Here is how I've felt the last week:
My appetite is totally suppressed, and mouth is always dry and has a metallic taste. In fact, both the roof of my mouth and my tongue have the same sensation of when you burn it on hot soup. So even when I do eat, it tastes like a lot of nothing.
The nausea killed me the first few days. They gave me a steroid and 2 anti-nausea meds, and it suppressed it, but it never went away until maybe mid-day Friday. That also made me not want to eat.
I'm tingly in my limbs from elbow and knees down, but I'm achy everywhere, mainly my joints. The achy feeling is all over, but then I'll also get random shooting pains throughout my body during the day.
And then I'm just weak. Like a sailboat with no wind. Going to Hobby Lobby yesterday to pick up 2 picture frames sucked the life out of me. We were at the checkout waiting for an attendant, and I was scanning the area for a nearby chair. No luck. So I leaned on the counter and put my weight on that. The woman behind us I'm sure was like, "What the heck is going on with her?" But I didn't care.
And of course, there's the never ending diarrhea and heart burn. Fun times.
All in all, imagine being drunk, hungover, and having the flu all at once. That's how I feel.
I feel weaker than others. A friend who had it 3 years ago said she just had 2 tired days and then went back to work. The nurses said that this chemo was very "tolerable" and I should be able to go on with my daily life with no major issues. Well here I am, and I've missed 3 days of work. Thank God I work for an organization that I love, that has supportive supervisors and co-workers. I went to work Thursday because of the pressures I put on myself. I should have just rested that day, and maybe I would have been fine on Friday. Instead, I called my mom Friday crying. She was great and came over after work to help with Julia and to just help take care of me. But I'm upset that I even need help. I should be the one helping others. Not the other way around.
I've been extra weepy these past few days. Julia's teacher sent me a text on Friday and it said:
"Just wanted to pass on that when we were outside today Julia came up and asked for a hug. I asked her if she was ok and she said, "My mommy is still sick and the next time she gets her medicine, her hair will come out, but I won't be scared because it will grow back and she will get better soon." She wasn't upset, jus very matter of fact about it! You guys are doing such a great job of keeping her in the loop about what's ahead! She is such a special young lady, Malita."
I started crying. Again for the two reasons I previously posted about, which is I hate that she's having to think about this, but also so incredibly proud. That girl amazes me. She is my role model. But just like her mommy, she can't always be strong.
Last night, Eric was getting ready to bring her upstairs to put her to bed. She started crying and said that she wanted me to put her to bed, and Eric explained that I needed to rest. She cried more, hugged me and said, "I miss you so much!" Then I started crying. I was right there, but to her, she feels as though I've been absent. And I have been. I'm absent from the mother I normally am. And not that I'm super, perfect mom every day. Lord knows I'm not. But I'm a better version than what I have been lately. We ended up compromising, and I told her to go upstairs and have daddy help with pjs, and that I would come and read and do prayers with her.
..............................................................................................................................
Julia just came in and taught me a lesson. I'm laying in bed writing, and Julia has woken up and come into my room. She climbs into bed with me we had a thoughtful conversation:
M: Do you want to go and paint a mug for grandpa's birthday today?
J: Yeah.
M: And it's going to be nice outside today, you could blow some bubbles.
J: Yeah, but we have to get dressed and somebody has to go outside with me. Maybe daddy can go outside with me because he's not sick. You're sick so you can't go outside with me.
M: Well, maybe I could go outside today. We'll see how I feel. We'll just have to treat each day special and see what we can do.
J: Ok
So there we go. Lesson learned. I'll just have to take things day by day. See how far I can push without exhausting myself. The journey to not be at war with my body will continue I'm sure, but hopefully get better over time. I need to learn acceptance and humility. I need to not be a control freak (in all aspects of my life). And while I know that not all of that can be solved overnight, I need to just be open minded and try to pray and work on those things a little bit every day.
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| Morning cuddles. |
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