Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

On Tuesday I went to a program called Look Good, Feel Better.  It was a chance to learn how to apply makeup and how to do head wraps and coverings.  There were four of us and the instructor.  Two of the women were probably in their late forties or in their fifties.  The other was 81 and had stage 4 colon cancer.  She looked so great and was as sweet as can be.  The session was fun because we did our makeup, but then we would take little side roads of conversation about chemo, skin side effects, radiation, being positive, etc.  It was nice.  It kind of gave me a glimpse at what maybe a support group might look like.  It has me thinking I may want to try one.

After all the makeup!

These past few days, my hair has been falling out a lot.  I would run my fingers through my hair and quite a few strands would be trailing behind.  Yesterday, when I showered, the drain catcher had so much hair at it, the water was struggling to go down the drain.  Then when I brushed it and dried it, more and more was falling out.  Yesterday, I really wanted to shave it, but we were celebrating my dad's birthday.  My dad in particular has always liked long hair, so I figured I'd go one last day for his sake.

This morning though, it was out of control.  I couldn't go another day with this impending feeling.  I just wanted to shave it off and stop seeing it fall out.  I was going back and forth, and then I remembered what one of my co-workers said to me a few days ago.  I told her I was thinking about shaving it off this weekend and she said, "You're the boss."  So today I remembered that and thought, "She's right.  I am the boss. It's my life and I get to choose."

Me looking so irritated with this hair, ready to shave it off.

I got out of the shower and told Eric it was time.  Eric cuts his own hair and has his own clippers.  He brought the shopvac upstairs and as he was cleaning the clippers, I talked with Julia.  I told her it was time to shave my head.  Then I looked up pictures of bald women and women with buzz cuts and showed them to her.  Then it was time.

Eric had me sit down in the shower and off we went!  He ran his fingers through my hair and said, "Oh wow, it really is coming out a lot."  He started shaving and as it was falling off I was feeling somewhat liberated.  It was nice to have it come off and get ahead of the game.  I could feel the care he was taking, and then I'd peek over to see Julia carefully watching.

When we were done, Eric said, "You actually don't look too bad!" I looked in the mirror and thought the same.  I looked at Julia and I said, "What do you think, Julia?" She looked and said, "Pretty."  I love her.  She's just the best.  And I know that when she answers me, she speaks with pure honesty and heart.

All gone!!

I don't feel too bad!  A little chilly in the back, but I like it.  I am ashamed to admit though, that I'm a little afraid to go out in public.  I'm not excited about the unwanted attention I'm going to get.  I will inevitably get stares.  But I have to either get used to it or get past it.  What matters is that the people in my house think I'm pretty.  I have my faith, a roof over my head, food in my belly, people that love me, and the ability to smile.  The rest is noise.