What it Feels Like

People often ask me how I'm feeling, so I thought I would try to describe it, both physically and mentally.  Here it goes:

Physically... it's odd.  The main area of pain is in and around my armpits.  That's mainly because a lot of the nerve endings end there.  As I run my fingers down my neck, the further I reach my breast, the less feeling I have.  Towards the top I can still feel my skin, and it feels tight and plump.  Then as I reach the area closer to my stitches, I feel less sensation.  It's almost like the feeling you have when your leg falls asleep.  You know your leg is there, and you can kind of feel it, but not really.  Also, there is no "pins and needles" sensation.  It's just a muted touch.  In fact, I was trying to lay on my side, and as I was pulling my blanket up, I was touching something and thinking, "What is that?"  I soon realized, "Oh...it's my breast.  Whoops." 

My chest also feels quite tight.  At times I feel suffocated and I just want to grab a knife and cut them out so I can breathe.  I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest, and there's nothing I can do about it. 

It also hurts to really pull my shoulders back and have good posture, so I find myself with rounded shoulders and slouching often, mainly because I think subconsciously I'm trying to compensate for that feeling of tightness.  As a result, my neck and shoulders are quite sore.  Sometimes I try to lie on my back flat on the floor, and it hurts, but in a good way.  I can feel everything stretching, but when it comes time to sit back up, I look like a turtle lying on it's shell, struggling to turn right side up. 
Or maybe like this guy...

I'm sick of being propped up by pillows when I sleep and I just can't seem to get comfortable in any position.  I'm quite frustrated.

However, every day I feel like my range of motion increases a bit.  I try to put a little more weight on my shoulders every day so I can do the things I normally do: Putting cereal away on the top shelf of the pantry, using my arms to get up from the floor, and of course, picking up my sweet girl.  I do notice progress and today I picked Julia up a few times from the floor onto my lap.  I also took her from my dad for a few moments just to see if I could do it.  I could do it, but it hurt, and I think I still may need a few more days.  But, when I took that girl in my arms while standing, oooh boy did it feel good.  I think she agreed because when I took her, she kissed me on the lips.  That made my heart sing.

For some reason today, I just feel down in the dumps.  I don't know if I'm just extra tired or what.  I took a shower an hour ago for the first time in 2 days and it felt remarkable.  But seeing myself in all my glory just made me feel sad.  I feel like I'm gaining weight because I'm not moving around as much as I normally do, so the food doesn't have any choice but to settle.  My face is also looking nasty because I'm not washing my face as often due to fewer showers, and (let's be real) laziness.  And dressing in mainly yoga paints and sweatshirts doesn't really pump my self-esteem gauge very high.  I guess it's just one of those nights. 

Progress

Yesterday and today have been the days of pushing my limits to see what I am capable of.  Yesterday I went to see Dr. P to see how I was healing and he said it was coming along well, and *drumroll please* he took my drains out!!!!  Hooray!!!  I HATED those drains.  They made me feel like a science project.  It hurt when he took them out, but afterwards I felt great!  I was no longer feeling like a pregnant cat!  Here's a picture of the holes.  Gross, I know.  I also can't seem to get rid of those Sharpie marks...

I have to go see him again next Wednesday and he said he'd fill the temporary implants with some more saline solution at that time.  I'm hoping that's the last time we add to the temporary one and we can just go to the permanent after that.  The permanents are supposed to feel less tight and more comfortable. 

After the doctor, my dad and I went to the post office, an antique shop, and the donut shop in downtown Oswego.  It was fun to get out and feel productive.  I definitely napped afterwards though.

Today I had some more milestone progress:

1. I started my exercises.

2. I went for a walk around the block with my mother-in-law, Julia, and Chance.  She took Chance and I pushed the stroller.

3. I didn't take ANY pain meds today. 

4. I took a shower all by myself! 

5. I was more interactive with Julia when we played. 

Number 5 is my favorite of course.  It has definitely been a struggle to not pick her up, but she has adapted to it, slowly but surely.  Sometimes when she wants to be picked up, she goes to me with her arms up, and then she stops and turns towards Eric or whoever else is around instead.  However, yesterday she had a complete meltdown and it took a lot of energy to not lose it myself.  It was a full out tantrum of screaming and lying on the ground crying, and nothing would appease her. 

But today was a happier day.  She climbed onto the couch where I was sitting, and she squeezed in behind me and pulled me back so that I was leaning on her.  I would say, "Why is this couch so lumpy??" Then I'd wiggle my body and then she would stick her head out from behind with a huge grin and I'd gasp and say, "Ahhh!!  It's Julia!!!" Then she would burst out into laughter!  Of course, I would laugh too.  This went on for quite some time. 

Later, I was getting tired of sitting on the floor with her with no back support.  Usually I sit on the ground, but when I'm not recovering I'm also typically laying on my back and she climbs all over me like a jungle gym and also cuddles on my chest.  So I laid down on the ground with my back flat across the floor and it was slightly painful, but it also felt great!!  I think Julia missed me being on the floor so much that she walked over, squatted down beside me and said, "Hi, mommy!"  I felt like she was saying, "Hey!  I miss you down here with me!  Welcome back!" 

So today was a good day!  I was proud of myself for pushing myself and seeing what I'm capable of.  Tomorrow I am going to take a longer walk on my own and we'll see how much stamina I have.  Can't wait!

Good News

Today my dad spent the day with me.  He took me to my neighbor's to get my hair washed and then we made a list of things we needed for the house.  Diapers, milk, dog food, cereal, etc. I decided I should probably try to look somewhat presentable for my first outing in a week.  I put makeup on (gasp!) and then I stared at my closet.  I stared for a long time.  At first I thought, "I can throw that on."  Then I had to correct myself and say, "Uhh...no I can't because I can't put my arms over my head."  Seeing as though it was quite cold and very windy outside, I settled on jeans, a tank top that I could pull up over my waist, and a wrap sweater.  Also, because it was so cold, my dad insisted I wear a jacket.  The one I would normally wear was too small to encase myself AND my drains, so I wore a larger tweed coat of mine that was actually a good weight considering the wind.  I topped it off with a scarf to block any chance of anyone seeing my blindingly white surgical bra with thick straps.  Ta da! 

 

A little lumpy, but I think the naked eye would not notice anything off!  Yay for cold weather!  So we went to Meijer and picked up our few items.  I was feeling a bit tired already, but I was determined to go to Hobby Lobby so we could get a puzzle to work on together.  We picked out a country scene that encompassed everything I love: Nature, a farm, a nice home, a sweet looking old truck, AND a jack-o-lantern representing my favorite holiday of Halloween! 

 

My dad was sure it would take us a while because he said he's not the greatest at jigsaw puzzles.  I told him I was positive we'd finish in a few hours because it was only a 300 piece puzzle.  We took a few breaks for lunch and a short nap, but while watching many episodes of the Dick Van Dyke Show, we completed it! 

 

 





I was on the couch again after our great accomplishment, in the middle of a doze when I felt my phone ring.  I looked at the number and it was an unfamiliar one, but a local one, so I thought it could be my doctor.  Sure enough it was Dr. G checking to see how I was doing and to report that she had excellent news!  She told me that the pathology report came back and after looking at hundreds of slides, there was no sign of invasive cancer, so my decision to go with the bilateral mastectomy, while considering my family planning plans, was absolutely the right decision.  She said that the cancer encompassed an area of 7.2 cm (or 2.8 in) so it was bigger than we thought.  So I don't have to go through any more treatment, and basically, once I'm done with this process I'm done!  I have to meet with her next week Tuesday to get the actual pathology report and to figure out what my follow up steps and long-term plan will be, but otherwise the future is looking pretty good!!

As soon as I hung up I told my dad and we called my mom and she later told me she told her best friend at work the news and they both cried tears of joy.  Then Eric walked in with Julia and we told them the news.  He set Julia on my stomach.  I told her, "Mommy doesn't have to do chemo!!!"  It was like that little girl knew how great the news was and she laughed and started clapping.  We both said, "Yaaaaaay!!!" and continued to clap.  That was one of the best moments she and I have shared yet.

God has answered my prayers and all of those who have been praying beside me.  Today was a great day. 

Photos

Not too much new to report, but I was creeping on my mom's photos on her phone and came across a few pictures she took on the day of and a few days after surgery. 

 

This was taken a few minutes before they gave me anesthesia and wheeled me back!

 

This I did not realize had been taken. haha.  This was probably an hour or so after surgery, and I was clearly out of it. 

 

I know I already posted a picture of my dog visitor, but here's another gem.  You can never have too many dog photos!

 

This was when I first got home.  My mom wanted to see a side view and show me that I actually look like I have some boobs.  You can also see the bulkiness of the drains, and how I look after 3 days of not showering.  Yikes. 

Back Home

I am happy to report that today is my second full day home!  Thursday night I got home and it was so nice to be back in my own surroundings.  Also, it forces me to walk around more.  When I was in the hospital I could go on walks, but was mainly confined to my room and had the option of sitting in a chair or the bed.  My mom and I came home to a beautifully cleaned house thanks to my mother-in-law.  She's so great!  We also had our first meal from the meal train arrive.  It was a pizza, bread sticks, and cinnamon sticks delivered to the house and it was yummy!  My appetite was starting to come back with that for sure! 

Eric brought Julia home from day care and I was sitting in a chair waiting for her with a stuffed bear with angel wings that my nurse navigator had given me for Julia.  Eric put Julia down and she didn't recognize me at first.  She just kept turning around towards Eric, wanting him to pick her up.  We started eating, and then I think throughout the meal she started realizing who I was.  After dinner, we went outside and I sat on a chair while Eric and my mom played with Julia in the backyard.  My mom was teaching Julia how to kick a ball and I was blowing bubbles for her to pop.  Yesterday after Julia was home from day care, my aunt, Eric, and I did the same thing, and by the end of the night, Julia knew to have my aunt pick her up.  As I reflected on those two nights and seeing Julia slowly adapt to having others hold her, my silver lining of the whole not being able to pick Julia up piece, is that she will grow closer to others in my family instead of being my little koala bear as she always has been. 

Yesterday my nausea definitely decreased and I just took one nausea pill in the morning.  I think my main complaint was my dizziness.  But I'm hoping that after walking and eating more, that will subside.  I got my hair washed by my neighbor and that felt great after 3 days of no soap!  When I got home I decided to take a shower, and I thought that would feel amazing as well...I was wrong.

I had to wrap a towel around my neck and safety pin my three drains to the towel.  I also couldn't let my stitches get soap on them, and it hurts to lift my arms past a certain point.  So I was basically limited to washing from my stomach down.  I so badly wanted the water to run over my head and back.  I also wanted to shave my disgustingly hairy armpits, but when you think about that motion, it really requires stretching beyond my capabilities at this point.  So now my underarms look like a poorly manicured lawn with crabgrass. 

When I got out of my disappointing shower, I looked in the mirror and looked at my new naked self in the mirror.  It was shocking.  I had seen my surgical area from above at my own eye level, but to see it straight on with no bandages present was scary.  I reminded myself of a zombie character from The Walking Dead.  I have some volume, but I have a large horizontal line about five inches long across each breast with bold, black stitches, and the stitches look as though I had alterations done to close the hole in an old pair of jeans.  It is concave in some areas and more wrinkly as your eye nears the stitches. 

I called my aunt for help to put Neosporin on the stitches, cover it with gauze, and then put my surgical bra pack on and unpin the drains.  I had covered my chest with my towel and I said, "I need your help, but I'm sorry if it's scary looking."  She said, "Don't worry about it, precious, it's fine."  I removed the towel and started crying.  She reassured me that it would get better every day as she patted my back with the towel.  I nodded, and then reminded myself that I needed to get back into fight mode.  I wiped my tears and got down to business, opening the tubes of Neosporin and getting the job done.  With my clothes on, I look bulky with the drains underneath my sweater, almost like a pregnant cat.  Hopefully the drains will be removed next Wednesday though when I see Dr. P for my follow up appointment.

Also next week, Dr. G will call me to let me know about the pathology report.  They are going through hundreds of slides to look at the breast tissue they removed, and make sure there aren't any invasive cells there.  If there aren't any, I'm essentially done.  If they do find some though, they may upstage me and I may have to go through chemo.  The good news is that since they didn't find cancer in my lymph nodes, the highest stage they can upstage me to is Stage 1. 

So every day is slowly but surely better.  I'm off to enjoy the rest of this beautiful day!

Day 2 at the Hospital

Right now I am watching Titanic in my room.  It is difficult to type because I have a pulse monitor on my right index finger and have an IV on top of my right hand.  I've been in and out of nauseousness all day and that has been the biggest fight,  I did vomit once this morning, but felt better afterwards.

Yesterday I registered at 7:30 in the morning and was taken to change into a gown and have my IV put in,  The nurse globbed a bunch if numbing cream around my aereola on my left breast.  I then went down to the neuro science center where they sprayed more numbing cream on my nipple and then injected me with 4 shots around my nipple to insert a dye,  The dye was so that they could trace the flow to my lymph nodes since they were going to take 1-3 out.  They then took 3 pictures and I was on my way to the pre-op holding room.  Dr. P came in and made markings with his green and blue Sharpie and Dr. G came in to talk as well.

I waited with Eric and my parents, and then I was given anesthesia.  After a tearful goodbye they wheeled me away and I just remember being in the OR room with bright lights, and then waking up.  I remember looking at the clock seeing it was 5:00 and my first thought was, "Oh it went faster than I thought, That means my family didn't have to wait as long," My parents told me there was no invasive cancer in my lymph nodes and it was great to hear.  My dad said he never understood people who cried tears of joy until that moment.

Iwas very out of it all night.  The only other thing I remember is when a nurse was asking me a bunch of questions, she started explaining the therapy dog program.  I remember cutting her off and saying, "YES!"

I slept until 1:30 am and then fought nauseousness all day.  The tech had me sit up at 6:00 and it was excruciatingly painful.  I was screaming and crying as the tech pulled me to the chair.  Since then I've just been trying to keep food down.  They gave me meds more powerful than morphine and every time I'd press the button the pain would go away but then I'd feel sick.  It's been like choosing between the lesser of the two evils.  Dr. P and Dr. G have also come in to check on me and I got to see my "new" breasts.  They're actually bigger than I thought they'd be.  He said he filled them with 300 ccs (whatever that is) and the stitches go straight across and are about 5 inches long.

I need to lay down because I still feel out of it and will probably look back at this post and laugh at my terrible writing.  Here's a picture though of me and my dog visitor.

Night Before

This past week has been so positively overwhelming.  I am so touched by how many people have rallied behind me, offered their talents, and shown their support in so many various ways. 

First, on Tuesday, I had my photos taken by a friend of mine because I wanted to document how I looked prior to having a mastectomy and reconstructive surgery.  We were both very much on the same page as to what the feel would be, which was artistic, not sexy.  We did three versions: bra and underwear, jeans and bra with me holding Julia, and then just jeans but with me strategically holding myself so not too much was exposed.  By the end of the shoot, both of us were in tears.  He sent me the photos on Saturday and I was blown away with how great his talents are.  I loved how he used lighting, and my plan is to print them in a photo book.  I am so grateful for his willingness to do this for me, and I will treasure these photos forever.

Here's a photo from his vision board.  We got a few shots that look like this, but I am obviously not a model.  If anyone is curious to see the actual photos, feel free to contact me. 

 

 On Saturday, my cousin's wife, Vanessa, and her aunt offered to come to my mom's house to do facials and massages for my mom, aunt, cousin, and I.  It was so much fun!  When I first met Vanessa's aunt, she said, "Who's the one that..." and sort of trailed off.  I said, "I'm the cancer patient!"  We all laughed because I know it can be awkward for people at times, but sometimes you have to just say it like it is.  It was great to just relax and enjoy ourselves though.  We also had a moment of immense laughter, (thanks to one of my verbal blunders) and I laughed so hard I cried.  It was so nice to feel that! 

 



 

Tonight I spent time with Julia as we ate our dinner.  She laughed and we joked around as we ate, and I let her have a cupcake for dessert.  I gave her a bath and I watched her splash around and squeal in delight, and then we dried off and I read her a few books.  Before I put her in her crib, I said to her, "Julia, Mommy won't see you for a few days.  I have to go bye-bye because Mommy is sick and has to get better.  When I get home I won't be able to hold you, but I love you very much and I will try to do everything I can to be with you and love you."  Call me crazy, but I felt like she was understanding me.  We kissed and then she planted her head on my chest and snuggled in against me.  I kissed her on the top of her head, and I was happy. 

 

Now I sit, reflecting upon how many people have done so many great things, shared such encouraging words, and lifted me up in their prayers.  Sunday I was grateful enough to be surrounded by so many great folks, and today at work I was given a journal with everyone's kind words and favorite Bible verses.  I am so grateful for everyone in my life, and it makes me think that I have made some pretty good choices in the people I surround myself with.  It is all pretty remarkable to me.  As I was driving to work I kept thinking of an analogy for my support system, and the first image that came to mind was a trampoline.  Each person in my life is like a thread, and each of those threads are woven together so tightly, and they have all come together to make sure I bounce back. 

 

The question I have been asked a lot today is, "How are you feeling?"  The answer is: sad, but ready for battle.  I keep thinking of action movies where there is some sort of sad occurrence, and the character mourns, and then all of a sudden they turn around and have that stone cold face on them, and you know they are ready to go to battle.  That's how I'm feeling today.  Sad and mourning, but tomorrow I know it's go time, and I need to put my game face on, and the players are me versus cancer.  So...tonight I mourn...tomorrow I go to battle.  

 

 



Someone Calls Me Mommy

At times it's very easy to feel isolated in this journey.  Initially I felt very alone because most of the research I would do was targeted towards women 40 and older.  That's great and all, but women who are 40, 50, or 60 are in totally different chapters of their lives from mine. 

Things have improved though because I have been grateful enough to have two people I have been put in contact with through others that are around my age and have recently been treated  and are willing to talk to me about their experiences.  Nobody should have to go through this, and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone, but sometimes it's nice to know you're not alone.  Speaking with them and hearing their stories has helped me SO MUCH.  I can't stress enough how much help that has been.  When I have questions like, "Will I be able to go to the bathroom on my own?" I know who to turn to! 

The only piece that is missing though is that neither of them is a mother.  Now, when I didn't have a child I sometimes felt that certain women felt that they were more important than me because they were a mother, and I just "wouldn't understand."  Well, that's not what I'm saying.  I don't think I'm better than anyone just because I popped out a baby.  What I am saying, is that having a child adds a different dimension to this experience and to my journey. 

At this point, people around me seem to be worrying about the surgery itself.  I could honestly care less about that right now.  I'm actually more pumped that I'll get an extra 6-8 hours of sleep.  What is stressing me out is that I won't be able to pick up my daughter for nearly a month.  Typing that made me let out a huge sigh.  I can't even comprehend that.

I always experience mom guilt, especially as a working mom, but it is multiplying exponentially.  I feel like a bad mom.  I keep thinking she is going to be so stressed and frustrated.  What am I going to do when she is standing at my feet, crying, stretching out her arms and standing on her tiptoes, yearning for her mommy to pick her up and make everything better.  I can't say to her, "I'm sorry, baby.  Mommy has breast cancer and had a bilateral mastectomy and can't pick you up right now.  I hope you understand."  I don't think that will fly with her.

I keep worrying that she will become resentful towards me for not being there 100%.  Question why I'm not meeting her needs.  Become angry and frustrated with me.  Believe me, baby, I'm angry and frustrated with me, too. 

Last week I looked up the hospital's support groups.  They listed a service called Imerman Angels, and they match up survivors with current cancer patients to have a one on one mentorship.  I figured this could be a good solution so that I could find someone with that extra dimension.  I also wanted someone with a child under the age of three because school aged kids are a different ball game. 

I filled out the questionnaire, and today they called me to get further information as to what I was looking for in a mentor.  I said, "I want a young woman with breast cancer who is also a mother with a child under the age of three."  Then I paused and said, "Will that be difficult to find?"  She responded, "No, since you're open to all breast cancers, it shouldn't be tough to find.  I'll get back to you in a few days with a match."  My heart sank.  I was so selfish, wanting a mentor for myself.  Then I realized there are other women in the same exact boat as myself.  So many, in fact, that it won't be a difficult task to find my very specific request.  Ugh.  My match will be bitter sweet. 

I apologize I'm being a Negative Nelly lately.  I'll try to be better!  Praying for peace of mind.

Tears in Abundance

Well, it's been an hour and a half and I haven't stopped crying. 

First off, I FINALLY got a surgery date.  That was huge for me, because I am a planner and I hate just sitting around not knowing what's coming next.  So I'm set for Tuesday, April 14. 

This week my aunt was in from Arizona, so my family all gathered at my parent's house for dinner and to just hang out.  I consider my mom's side of the family as my nuclear family.  Maybe it's a Mexican thing, haha.  My mom is the middle of three girls, and I'm the oldest of my cousins.  There are seven of us total, and a number of us also have kids of our own, so it's a fun crowd.  I love my family to pieces and my favorite moments are just of us all sitting around the table talking, telling stories, and laughing. 

That was all happening today as usual, and then my dad mentioned how he wanted us to go over the calendar to figure out who would take a day to be home with me after my surgery.  I had brought a calendar as well and we all sat around the coffee table in the living room and everyone said which days they would take.  My parents are taking a bunch of days, my aunt is taking a day, my cousins are taking a few days, etc. 

First of all, I was touched that so many people were chipping in and sacrificing time out of their lives to help me.  Then my mom was texting a girl at work who's around my age and went through the same thing about a year ago and she was saying that I should wear zip up and button up clothes because you're not allowed to raise your arms over your shoulders and all this other stuff.  Then I started realizing how restrictive this was all going to be and how bored out of my mind I'm going to be just sitting around. Not to mention all of the mom guilt I'm going to feel because I won't be able to pick up my daughter for an entire month!  That's a whole other blog post though...

I hate being dependent on other people and I hate that I have to take time out of people's lives for myself. 

Then as we were leaving I was hugging my aunt who lives in Arizona goodbye, and I lost it.  I started crying and then I hugged one of my cousins goodbye and I couldn't help but feel like I was letting them all down.  I look at myself as the oldest and the one who has to keep it together and be strong, and now I'm weak.  I hate that I am stressing them all out when everyone already has enough on their own plates.  I don't need to be adding to it, I should be helping to take some off. 

I packed Julia into the car and we drove home and I cried the entire way home.  I think I went through a quarter of a box of Kleenex.  I'm sitting here in our loft, still crying, trying to get it together.  So, in summary, my feelings could be classified as: angry, frustrated, scared, sad, and emotionally exhausted.  I know this journey will be an emotional roller coaster, but tonight is definitely a low.  Hoping for a brighter tomorrow. 

Plastic Surgeon Visit

Yesterday I met my plastic surgeon, Dr. P, for the first time.  I was very grateful for the fact that I felt comfortable with him right away and he was able to put me at ease and just talk to me as a person before diving in.  Thankfully, one of my friends came with me and she took excellent notes!  I didn't learn too much new information at that visit, but I mainly had to make some more choices. 

First set of choices:
1: Do implants (as explained in the previous post)
2: Use excess tissue from my belly to create new breasts (called "the flap method")

Well, that one was easy.  First, if I do the implants, then the surgery on his part is 1 - 1.5 hours per breast.  If I do the flap, it's a 12 hour surgery on his part.  Also, he said I didn't have enough belly fat to create the size of breasts I even have now, and I'd have a huge scar across my belly.  Option 1 with implants it is!!

The nice thing is that I don't have to choose what size I want now.  Basically, they'll gradually fill that temporary implant and they'll just keep filling it over time until I get to a point that I'm happy with.  I said, "So basically it's like you're filling my glass with water until I say stop."  His response was, "Exactly."

The left is the temporary implant.  That black circle felt like a hockey puck.  The right is the permanent implant. 

Second set of choices:
1. Keep my nipple and do a nipple-sparing mastectomy
2. Get rid of my nipple and do a skin-sparing mastectomy and let them reconstruct a nipple

(If you're getting squirmy, I'll remind you that this is in fact a blog about me and my breasts.)

I decided to go with option 2.  He said that he was on the fence as to whether or not aesthetically they would look good with a nipple-sparing, plus my opinion comes in third after Dr. G's and the pathologists as to whether or not there's any abnormal cells on it, and they would inspect it during surgery to see if it was even possible to be used.  Also, since I'd be keeping more of my skin, my chance of reoccurrence would go from 1% to 2-3%.  Not much more, but hey, I'll do what I can to keep my odds as low as possible.  So out they go. 

He then took pre-op photos and I was able to ask any other questions I had.  That was pretty much it!  Pretty easy and straightforward.  Now I just have to wait for them to give me a surgery date.  I've been waiting on that for a day and a half now.  I really want it tomorrow otherwise I'll go crazy because I feel like I need to go into planning mode for my hiatus from...well life.  Both work and home.  But that's another story for another time.