Tears in Abundance

Well, it's been an hour and a half and I haven't stopped crying. 

First off, I FINALLY got a surgery date.  That was huge for me, because I am a planner and I hate just sitting around not knowing what's coming next.  So I'm set for Tuesday, April 14. 

This week my aunt was in from Arizona, so my family all gathered at my parent's house for dinner and to just hang out.  I consider my mom's side of the family as my nuclear family.  Maybe it's a Mexican thing, haha.  My mom is the middle of three girls, and I'm the oldest of my cousins.  There are seven of us total, and a number of us also have kids of our own, so it's a fun crowd.  I love my family to pieces and my favorite moments are just of us all sitting around the table talking, telling stories, and laughing. 

That was all happening today as usual, and then my dad mentioned how he wanted us to go over the calendar to figure out who would take a day to be home with me after my surgery.  I had brought a calendar as well and we all sat around the coffee table in the living room and everyone said which days they would take.  My parents are taking a bunch of days, my aunt is taking a day, my cousins are taking a few days, etc. 

First of all, I was touched that so many people were chipping in and sacrificing time out of their lives to help me.  Then my mom was texting a girl at work who's around my age and went through the same thing about a year ago and she was saying that I should wear zip up and button up clothes because you're not allowed to raise your arms over your shoulders and all this other stuff.  Then I started realizing how restrictive this was all going to be and how bored out of my mind I'm going to be just sitting around. Not to mention all of the mom guilt I'm going to feel because I won't be able to pick up my daughter for an entire month!  That's a whole other blog post though...

I hate being dependent on other people and I hate that I have to take time out of people's lives for myself. 

Then as we were leaving I was hugging my aunt who lives in Arizona goodbye, and I lost it.  I started crying and then I hugged one of my cousins goodbye and I couldn't help but feel like I was letting them all down.  I look at myself as the oldest and the one who has to keep it together and be strong, and now I'm weak.  I hate that I am stressing them all out when everyone already has enough on their own plates.  I don't need to be adding to it, I should be helping to take some off. 

I packed Julia into the car and we drove home and I cried the entire way home.  I think I went through a quarter of a box of Kleenex.  I'm sitting here in our loft, still crying, trying to get it together.  So, in summary, my feelings could be classified as: angry, frustrated, scared, sad, and emotionally exhausted.  I know this journey will be an emotional roller coaster, but tonight is definitely a low.  Hoping for a brighter tomorrow.