At times it's very easy to feel isolated in this journey. Initially I felt very alone because most of the research I would do was targeted towards women 40 and older. That's great and all, but women who are 40, 50, or 60 are in totally different chapters of their lives from mine.
Things have improved though because I have been grateful enough to have two people I have been put in contact with through others that are around my age and have recently been treated and are willing to talk to me about their experiences. Nobody should have to go through this, and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone, but sometimes it's nice to know you're not alone. Speaking with them and hearing their stories has helped me SO MUCH. I can't stress enough how much help that has been. When I have questions like, "Will I be able to go to the bathroom on my own?" I know who to turn to!
The only piece that is missing though is that neither of them is a mother. Now, when I didn't have a child I sometimes felt that certain women felt that they were more important than me because they were a mother, and I just "wouldn't understand." Well, that's not what I'm saying. I don't think I'm better than anyone just because I popped out a baby. What I am saying, is that having a child adds a different dimension to this experience and to my journey.
At this point, people around me seem to be worrying about the surgery itself. I could honestly care less about that right now. I'm actually more pumped that I'll get an extra 6-8 hours of sleep. What is stressing me out is that I won't be able to pick up my daughter for nearly a month. Typing that made me let out a huge sigh. I can't even comprehend that.
I always experience mom guilt, especially as a working mom, but it is multiplying exponentially. I feel like a bad mom. I keep thinking she is going to be so stressed and frustrated. What am I going to do when she is standing at my feet, crying, stretching out her arms and standing on her tiptoes, yearning for her mommy to pick her up and make everything better. I can't say to her, "I'm sorry, baby. Mommy has breast cancer and had a bilateral mastectomy and can't pick you up right now. I hope you understand." I don't think that will fly with her.
I keep worrying that she will become resentful towards me for not being there 100%. Question why I'm not meeting her needs. Become angry and frustrated with me. Believe me, baby, I'm angry and frustrated with me, too.
Last week I looked up the hospital's support groups. They listed a service called Imerman Angels, and they match up survivors with current cancer patients to have a one on one mentorship. I figured this could be a good solution so that I could find someone with that extra dimension. I also wanted someone with a child under the age of three because school aged kids are a different ball game.
I filled out the questionnaire, and today they called me to get further information as to what I was looking for in a mentor. I said, "I want a young woman with breast cancer who is also a mother with a child under the age of three." Then I paused and said, "Will that be difficult to find?" She responded, "No, since you're open to all breast cancers, it shouldn't be tough to find. I'll get back to you in a few days with a match." My heart sank. I was so selfish, wanting a mentor for myself. Then I realized there are other women in the same exact boat as myself. So many, in fact, that it won't be a difficult task to find my very specific request. Ugh. My match will be bitter sweet.
I apologize I'm being a Negative Nelly lately. I'll try to be better! Praying for peace of mind.
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