It's the Little Things

The other night I was uploading photos from my phone onto my computer, and in the process I decided to look through older photos from when Julia was a baby.  I came across quite a few of she and I when I was breastfeeding, and it hit me hard.  This one was my favorite.

Today, Julia took it upon herself to pull all of her sheets, blankets, and towels out of the bottom drawer of her dresser.  As I was folding, I came across a blanket that had two ends tied in a knot because I would use that as my cover up when I would breastfeed.  I stared sadly at it for a second, and then I untied it thinking, "Well, I won't need to do that ever again."  

I don't want to get into the melancholy feelings and everything, but it's the little things that hurt.  And the phrase, "You have no right to feel this way," pops into my head frequently when I feel this way, so then I just feel guilty.  It's a vicious cycle of emotions.  

Second Surgery

Well, it's been more than a week since my second surgery.  I haven't posted because quite frankly, I was in a low spot all week.  I don't know why I got so caught off guard emotionally, but it probably has to do with the fact that I thought I was going to go in, get out, and keep going back to normal. Wrong.  I got knocked on my butt and I got frustrated that I was physically limited again.

Tuesday morning I hung out with Julia as much as I could before we had to go to the hospital.  I was a little cranky because my report time was at 11:15 and I had to begin fasting at midnight.  Anyone who knows me knows that I love my food, and to go that long without eating while awake was a daunting task for me!  (First world problems, I know.)  So Eric drove me to the hospital and I wore loose, comfortable clothing as instructed, and as we approached the hospital, I had a sinking feeling in my stomach.  "I forgot my ID and insurance card!!" I shouted. I was so mad at myself!  I felt like a kid who had forgotten his homework as he pulls up to the school.  I told Eric to drop me off and called my mother-in-law to see if she could meet Eric half way.  When I walked in, my dad was there waiting for me and we went to the check in counter where I explained my kerfuffle.  She said, "Oh you don't have to send your husband back!  Let's take a look."  Apparently, I didn't truly need my ID and insurance card because they have it on record since I'm a regular.  I called my mother-in-law and my dad called Eric so they both wouldn't get too far, and I was able to breathe!

After we waited for Eric to come back, I checked in and we went up to the surgery waiting room.  They called me back and went through the normal routine.  However, I found out that the hospital gown I was wearing can hook up to a hose where they blow hot or cold air into it!  Bonus.  Here's a picture of me blown up in my gown signing my consent forms.

Last surgery they gave me anesthesia before I was rolled into the OR, but this time I got pretty situated before they gave me the anesthesia.  Because I was so nauseous afterwards, they gave me a little patch on the back of my ear to wear through the next day.  When I got to the OR, I shifted myself onto the surgery table, stretched my arms out to the side, then placed an oxygen mask over my mouth and nose.  The anesthesiologist said he was administering the anesthesia and that it would hurt a little at first as it went in.  It hurt more than a little.  But then I remember thinking, "Ok, here we go."  And out I was.  

When I woke up, all I can remember was I was already sitting up in a chair and they made me drink water and eat some Goldfish.  

I was so out of it so the directions the nurse was giving me were not really sticking, but I just remembered her saying I had to wear the wrap around my stomach I was wearing and the surgical bra for a week, and to make a follow up appointment with Dr. P for next week.  

The rest of the week was dreadful.  I took off the wrap the following morning and saw what my body looked like.  My stomach looked like a cliff: fat, and then a sharp drop off.  "Oh great," I thought. "I got some fat taken out but it looks worse than if it was left in there."  My waist is what hurts the most.  I was bruised pretty badly, especially on my right side.  My breasts were sore and bruised, but not too badly.  Dr. P went in through the same incision and he just placed steri-strips on them.  Here are a few photos of the aftermath.  

Not amused.

 Feeling gross, tired, nauseous, and blue.  That's life I guess.

On Sunday, I finally broke down when my poor, unsuspecting neighbor asked why I didn't attend our block's lady's night.  I told him I was just feeling down and wasn't really in a super social mood, and then I just started crying.  I apologized, and I felt bad that I was crying because, as probably mentioned before, I feel like I shouldn't be.  What do I have to complain about?  I'm cancer free, I didn't have chemo or radiation, and I'm now done with surgeries for a while.  But it's an emotional roller coaster, and this week I was in one of the dips.  

I can feel that I'm on my way back up though.  Returning to work on Monday I wasn't officially ready, but Tuesday I was so busy I didn't really have time to think about much of anything but work.  Plus, I think just putting on clothes other than sweats, putting makeup on, and finally driving myself and leaving the house helped.  

Then today I got a call from my nurse navigator, Jill.  She asked how I was doing and explained that they had a new patient who was also younger and will be seeing Dr. G and Dr. P for a bilateral mastectomy.  This lady is nervous about the surgery and has a lot of questions, and wants to talk to someone who has gone through it, but wants to talk to someone else who is also younger.  Jill told me that both she and Dr. G thought of me and wanted to know if I would be willing to give my information so this lady can call me.  I was so flattered that they thought of me and I of course agreed.  I'm never happy to hear that someone else has been diagnosed, but it makes me happy to know that I can be there for someone and potentially be helpful in a bad situation.  It made me think of the two ladies who really helped me out during this chapter, and I couldn't have done it without them.  To speak to someone in my age group who also went through it was invaluable.  I will always be willing to be a listening ear when it comes to this, or any situation.  

While this week has been a lower point, I feel confident that I am clicking my way up.  

Second Surgery Prep

I've been such a slacker with my posts.  Life just spun back into normalcy for the most part once I returned to work.  I was seeing my plastic surgeon about every other week for fills until I got to a size that I felt was right for me, and once we reached that point, he said to come back in 6 weeks.  So last Wednesday was that 6 week mark and I went in to talk about my options of permanent implants.

Dr. P showed me the silicon implants and said that in he past the silicon had a negative reputation, but all of the issues from the past have been fixed.  They also came out with a newer shape of a silicon implant, which is a teardrop.  He said that he's been using those for the last two years and is really happy with them because they look a lot more natural.  With a regular round implant, when laid flat there are ripples that are created.  With the teardrop it doesn't have that effect.  However, if the round moves around inside, you won't notice it.  If the teardrop moves, then it will be very obvious, which would require going in to readjust.

I opted for the teardrop and I was VERY pleasantly surprised when he told me I wouldn't have to have drains.  Hooray!!  I hated the drains with my last surgery.  He said that the thinking with the drains for this surgery is that it would decrease the chance of the implant moving around, but that he really doesn't see that as an issue.  In fact, he placed the implant on my leg and showed me how difficult it was to turn, and said that when he does surgery and has to adjust it's difficult to do.  Again, double hooray!!

This surgery he will also perform liposuction from my waist.  The reason not being that I am getting addicted to plastic surgery and am striving to be like Barbie, but because my left breast (which was the cancerous one) was more aggressively removed so I have very little tissue up top.  So my right breast has more and has a more natural progression from my chest to breast, whereas the left is quite a dramatic transition.  That also makes them look uneven.  So to alleviate that, he is going to do fat grafting from the fat from my waist.  (I told him to go crazy in that department and if he needs extra just in case, I'm ok with that.)

I was so anxious to finally get my second surgery date, but I still had to wait until 2:30 that day to call the office after Dr. P sent in the information.  So there I am at 2:29 dialing the phone, but I had to wait until the next day to confirm the date because she wasn't sure if there was an OR room available.  So FINALLY the next day she called me and said my surgery will be August 4!  I was happy with the date because it's just around the corner and won't impede with a lot of things that are happening with work later in the month.

He told me it will be outpatient and I should be back at work the following week.  So I'm comparing this surgery to a drive through run at McDonalds versus a sit down and eat experience at a restaurant.  At this point I'm not really nervous, but I'm sure come Monday night I'll start fretting a bit.  Just excited to get these expanders out because I hear the permanents are a lot more comfortable.

I have so much more to say regarding the entire experience and a recent trip to Nashville, but I will save that for another day.

Learn, and Then Stand Up For Yourself

I am a mess.  For reasons I can't explain, I can't seem to get out of this slump lately.  Ever since I got home tonight I've been crying off and on.  The only reason I can muster up as to why, is that I started work on Monday.  I was surprised because work usually makes me feel better.  But I think that now that I'm starting my "normal" life again, I've been reflecting a lot on the last two months. 

Because this process went by so quickly, I was in such a focused, decision making, get your ducks in a row mindset, that I didn't have time to emotionally process things as much as I normally would have.  The funny thing is that I know I'm cancer free, so I should be rejoicing!  But I'm not.  I'm sitting here eating cheesecake feeling sorry for myself. 

While feeling sorry for myself and shoveling another bite of cherry topped cheesecake, I was looking at the trending items on Facebook earlier and saw that Sandra Lee has been diagnosed with breast cancer.  First of all, I love Sandra Lee!  She has always been one of my favorite TV chefs because I felt like she was realistic about her expectations of me.  I'm not going to go out and harvest the 16 different ingredients from my garden needed in a recipe to make a pasta dish.  Sandra is all about using a balance of fresh ingredients and store bought ingredients to make a realistically quick, easy, and delicious meal.  She gets me. 

So when I saw that she was diagnosed with breast cancer I of course felt for her.  Then I watched her interview with Robin Roberts on Good Morning America.  I had tears streaming down my face because I could relate to everything she was saying.  Then, at the end, she mentioned women in their 20's and 30's and I couldn't help but nod and think, "Yes, Sandra!  Exactly!"  I highly recommend watching the video, but if you don't, she mainly talks about her own path and story, and then ends with advocacy of getting screened. 

Like many things in our world, certain processes are imperfect.  Dr. G once explained to me that mammograms aren't very effective in women under 40.  This is because younger, premenopausal women have fattier breast tissue.  That breast tissue in a mammogram shows up as white.  Incidentally, cancer also shows up as white on a mammogram.  So you're basically looking for white on white.  Thus, not very effective.  (For a more thorough explanation, read this explanation from the Dr. Susan Love Research Foundation.)  When I looked at my own mammogram, Dr. G had zoomed in and I was shocked that they were even able to detect anything because, even zoomed in, I had a difficult time seeing what she was pointing out.  (I'm thankful that my team and the technicians are excellent at what they do.)

So I understand why it isn't pushed for mammograms under 40.  But, the question then becomes: What are we going to do about it?  Yes, there are far fewer cases of breast cancer diagnosis for women under the age of 40, but they are still out there.  I'm one of them.  Each one of those diagnosis is a life.  By not having a set plan in place, the message that I hear being sent is, "Well, we don't really have an answer.  You can get screened, but I don't know if it will help.  If you find a lump, go ahead and get it checked out.  Good luck, though." 

A more effective screening system needs to be in place, and it also needs to be covered by insurance.  (That's for another post).  In the meantime, women, of any age, and men who love women (their mother, sister, wife, friend, cousin, etc.) need to know what the symptoms of breast cancer are.  I always hear the word "lump" as if that is the only tell tale sign of breast cancer.  It's not.  I never had a lump.  I did, however, have bloody discharge.  But I feel like other symptoms aren't as well known, and that needs to be more publicized.  Here is a great source for symptoms to look for.

A lot of those symptoms I look at and think, "Wow, you really need to be familiar with your breasts in a healthy state in order to really even notice any of those."  And it's true.  Women need to get to know their breasts and be aware of any changes, and if any changes start happening and they become noticeable, it is our own job to get it checked out.  I always say, what's the worst that could happen?  They say, "No, you're fine," and maybe you leave slightly embarrassed because you felt like you overreacted.  But I don't care.  Feel embarrassed.  I would rather a little embarrassment and an hour of your day taken up to see a doctor to make sure you're advocating for yourself.  Who else is going to if not you?

I feel like this is my next mission.  To help find better screenings, to push women to take charge of their own bodies, and to follow through with any symptoms. I have a lot of research to do, but every chapter has a beginning.  Maybe this is my next chapter.  In the meantime, I'll try to dry those tears. 

Still Walking

At times it's easy for me to feel like I'm done with cancer.  After all, I'm cancer free.  But then I quickly realize that I am still walking this cancer path. 

I've been feeling unusually down again lately.  I was attending a car seat training for the last three days, and I found myself crying Friday night before bed.  During the class I went to the bathroom, and a woman was in there pumping.  She apologized, and I told her, "Don't worry, I've definitely been there."  We got to talking about breast feeding in general: How we couldn't wait to give our babies regular milk when they turned one, how it's not a crime to feed them formula, how hard it is to keep a supply up at a certain point, especially when you're working, etc. 

I told Eric about our conversation that night, and then I started weeping.  I'll never be able to do that again.  I don't know if we will have another child.  Only God knows that plan.  But if we do, as much as I complained and as much pain that I went through in breastfeeding, I will miss it.  I will miss holding that baby and watching her as she rests her hand on my breast and slowly drifts into dreamland.  Knowing that I was the one who soothed her when she was restless. Just us two, in peace.  I'll never have that back. 

The next day, also at class, I had a conversation with one of the instructors.  She asked if I minded her asking me questions.  I of course said no.  As we were talking, I told her that I noticed one of the other students was wearing a t-shirt that was for a breast cancer 5k walk.  I also had the epiphany that the label of "cancer survivor" now applies to me.  What??  What an odd, strange feeling.  To be quite honest, the fact that I just had a bilateral mastectomy and didn't have to endure radiation or chemotherapy makes me feel as if I didn't have cancer enough, and that I shouldn't have the label applied to me.  I just want to say, "I had cancer one time."  As if I had the chicken pox.  To me, a cancer survivor is someone who is strong, both mentally and physically, and has endured much more than I have.  It makes me feel uncomfortable. 

The next day, as I was driving to class, wouldn't you know it.  I drove past a 5k breast cancer walk.  I saw all these women walking to the race from their cars, wearing their t-shirts, and again, I started to cry.  I don't know why I did exactly, but I did.  I feel that even though I am cancer free, the walk is not over.  I feel incredibly ugly still, and I feel inhuman.  I hate these foreign objects in my body.  I can't sleep on my stomach, I hate sleeping in a bra, I hate that I have to block Julia from my chest whenever she climbs on me, and I miss stretching my arms over my head as I wake up in the morning.  I'm just so over it.  But, what choice do I have?  I just have to keep walking.  Shut up and put up, Malita. 

Shot Puts

It's been a busy week!

Sunday one of my closest friends flew in to hang out with me, which was very timely since I was feeling so low.  It was nice to be out and about and also just chill.  Monday night all we did was watch Dancing With the Stars and ate a bunch of junk food.  I also had times where I couldn't stop laughing and I really do believe that laughter is the best medicine. 

Tuesday she drove me to my doctor's appointment with Dr. G, where we met my mom and dad.  Dr. G examined me and said I was looking good, and she went over the pathology report.  I did not expect to cry at the time at all, but she has this way of talking and putting things in perspective that unexpectedly got me going.  She said, "You are cancer free now, and you saved your own life.  You're here now because of you, because you saw something that wasn't right and you followed through and got it taken care of." 

So my take away from all that is and moral of the story is: Always ask and get things checked out that seem off-base to you.  Regardless of what it is.  Don't fear being seen as high maintenance or brush it off as nothing or wait and see.  See now!  What's the worst that could happen? 

Wednesday I went to see Dr. P.  I knew I was going to be having more saline injected into my expanders, so I was a little nervous because I didn't know what to expect.  I took two pain pills before the appointment just in case!  When I arrived and was brought to the waiting room, this is what I saw:

 

Yikes.  He walked in and I had a list of questions for him:

 

Q: What is the timeline from this point to the permanents?

A: We will do another fill next week and then from there see how I'm looking and how I like it.

(I told him before I was pregnant I was a D, and after I finished breastfeeding I was a sad C.  I want to be a happy C.  He laughed at that.)  From there he will put the permanents in during late summer or early fall.

 

Q: When can I start driving again?

A: I have to be completely off the pain meds and I have to be comfortable enough to make quick, jerking motions.

 

Q: When can I go swimming? (I want to go to the pool with Julia a lot over the summer.)

A: In about 10 days, once the stitches are completely gone.  (Sooner than I anticipated, and I won't be jumping in any pools soon, but good to know I can spend the summer at the pool with Julia!)

 

Q: Can I do things like ride roller coasters and take flying trapeze lessons? (Even before all of this, I wanted to take a flying trapeze lesson for my 30th birthday.)

A: Yes, I can keep doing what I would normally do and can't stop living.  Although he's not so sure about trapeze lessons, with or without implants.  haha.

 

After my list of questions, he sterilized a spot on the top of each breast and then stuck a needle in that was attached to the monster syringes.  I couldn't feel the needle since the area is numb, and he stood calmly and slowly injected the saline.  I looked up the whole time and the sensation was so indescribable.  I didn't feel pressure, but I could feel the increase.  He put 60 ccs in and I now have a total of 360 ccs in each breast.  However, next time he said he'll put more in my left breast because the right one looks bigger.  (I agree.)  He said that sometimes the breast surgeons are a little more aggressive on the side that had the cancer so that's why they're probably uneven. 

 

Initially the increase didn't hurt or bother me.  However, yesterday evening, it hit me.  I felt like my breasts were going to explode, especially the right one.  I would touch them and they felt rock hard and it felt like a throbbing pain.  I was going to attempt to put Julia to bed by myself, but after experiencing that, I decided not to and instead took a pain pill and parked it on the couch for the night.  I felt like I was walking around with two shot puts underneath my skin. 

 

This morning has been better, but I'm proceeding with caution.  We'll see what the day brings!

What it Feels Like

People often ask me how I'm feeling, so I thought I would try to describe it, both physically and mentally.  Here it goes:

Physically... it's odd.  The main area of pain is in and around my armpits.  That's mainly because a lot of the nerve endings end there.  As I run my fingers down my neck, the further I reach my breast, the less feeling I have.  Towards the top I can still feel my skin, and it feels tight and plump.  Then as I reach the area closer to my stitches, I feel less sensation.  It's almost like the feeling you have when your leg falls asleep.  You know your leg is there, and you can kind of feel it, but not really.  Also, there is no "pins and needles" sensation.  It's just a muted touch.  In fact, I was trying to lay on my side, and as I was pulling my blanket up, I was touching something and thinking, "What is that?"  I soon realized, "Oh...it's my breast.  Whoops." 

My chest also feels quite tight.  At times I feel suffocated and I just want to grab a knife and cut them out so I can breathe.  I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest, and there's nothing I can do about it. 

It also hurts to really pull my shoulders back and have good posture, so I find myself with rounded shoulders and slouching often, mainly because I think subconsciously I'm trying to compensate for that feeling of tightness.  As a result, my neck and shoulders are quite sore.  Sometimes I try to lie on my back flat on the floor, and it hurts, but in a good way.  I can feel everything stretching, but when it comes time to sit back up, I look like a turtle lying on it's shell, struggling to turn right side up. 
Or maybe like this guy...

I'm sick of being propped up by pillows when I sleep and I just can't seem to get comfortable in any position.  I'm quite frustrated.

However, every day I feel like my range of motion increases a bit.  I try to put a little more weight on my shoulders every day so I can do the things I normally do: Putting cereal away on the top shelf of the pantry, using my arms to get up from the floor, and of course, picking up my sweet girl.  I do notice progress and today I picked Julia up a few times from the floor onto my lap.  I also took her from my dad for a few moments just to see if I could do it.  I could do it, but it hurt, and I think I still may need a few more days.  But, when I took that girl in my arms while standing, oooh boy did it feel good.  I think she agreed because when I took her, she kissed me on the lips.  That made my heart sing.

For some reason today, I just feel down in the dumps.  I don't know if I'm just extra tired or what.  I took a shower an hour ago for the first time in 2 days and it felt remarkable.  But seeing myself in all my glory just made me feel sad.  I feel like I'm gaining weight because I'm not moving around as much as I normally do, so the food doesn't have any choice but to settle.  My face is also looking nasty because I'm not washing my face as often due to fewer showers, and (let's be real) laziness.  And dressing in mainly yoga paints and sweatshirts doesn't really pump my self-esteem gauge very high.  I guess it's just one of those nights. 

Progress

Yesterday and today have been the days of pushing my limits to see what I am capable of.  Yesterday I went to see Dr. P to see how I was healing and he said it was coming along well, and *drumroll please* he took my drains out!!!!  Hooray!!!  I HATED those drains.  They made me feel like a science project.  It hurt when he took them out, but afterwards I felt great!  I was no longer feeling like a pregnant cat!  Here's a picture of the holes.  Gross, I know.  I also can't seem to get rid of those Sharpie marks...

I have to go see him again next Wednesday and he said he'd fill the temporary implants with some more saline solution at that time.  I'm hoping that's the last time we add to the temporary one and we can just go to the permanent after that.  The permanents are supposed to feel less tight and more comfortable. 

After the doctor, my dad and I went to the post office, an antique shop, and the donut shop in downtown Oswego.  It was fun to get out and feel productive.  I definitely napped afterwards though.

Today I had some more milestone progress:

1. I started my exercises.

2. I went for a walk around the block with my mother-in-law, Julia, and Chance.  She took Chance and I pushed the stroller.

3. I didn't take ANY pain meds today. 

4. I took a shower all by myself! 

5. I was more interactive with Julia when we played. 

Number 5 is my favorite of course.  It has definitely been a struggle to not pick her up, but she has adapted to it, slowly but surely.  Sometimes when she wants to be picked up, she goes to me with her arms up, and then she stops and turns towards Eric or whoever else is around instead.  However, yesterday she had a complete meltdown and it took a lot of energy to not lose it myself.  It was a full out tantrum of screaming and lying on the ground crying, and nothing would appease her. 

But today was a happier day.  She climbed onto the couch where I was sitting, and she squeezed in behind me and pulled me back so that I was leaning on her.  I would say, "Why is this couch so lumpy??" Then I'd wiggle my body and then she would stick her head out from behind with a huge grin and I'd gasp and say, "Ahhh!!  It's Julia!!!" Then she would burst out into laughter!  Of course, I would laugh too.  This went on for quite some time. 

Later, I was getting tired of sitting on the floor with her with no back support.  Usually I sit on the ground, but when I'm not recovering I'm also typically laying on my back and she climbs all over me like a jungle gym and also cuddles on my chest.  So I laid down on the ground with my back flat across the floor and it was slightly painful, but it also felt great!!  I think Julia missed me being on the floor so much that she walked over, squatted down beside me and said, "Hi, mommy!"  I felt like she was saying, "Hey!  I miss you down here with me!  Welcome back!" 

So today was a good day!  I was proud of myself for pushing myself and seeing what I'm capable of.  Tomorrow I am going to take a longer walk on my own and we'll see how much stamina I have.  Can't wait!

Good News

Today my dad spent the day with me.  He took me to my neighbor's to get my hair washed and then we made a list of things we needed for the house.  Diapers, milk, dog food, cereal, etc. I decided I should probably try to look somewhat presentable for my first outing in a week.  I put makeup on (gasp!) and then I stared at my closet.  I stared for a long time.  At first I thought, "I can throw that on."  Then I had to correct myself and say, "Uhh...no I can't because I can't put my arms over my head."  Seeing as though it was quite cold and very windy outside, I settled on jeans, a tank top that I could pull up over my waist, and a wrap sweater.  Also, because it was so cold, my dad insisted I wear a jacket.  The one I would normally wear was too small to encase myself AND my drains, so I wore a larger tweed coat of mine that was actually a good weight considering the wind.  I topped it off with a scarf to block any chance of anyone seeing my blindingly white surgical bra with thick straps.  Ta da! 

 

A little lumpy, but I think the naked eye would not notice anything off!  Yay for cold weather!  So we went to Meijer and picked up our few items.  I was feeling a bit tired already, but I was determined to go to Hobby Lobby so we could get a puzzle to work on together.  We picked out a country scene that encompassed everything I love: Nature, a farm, a nice home, a sweet looking old truck, AND a jack-o-lantern representing my favorite holiday of Halloween! 

 

My dad was sure it would take us a while because he said he's not the greatest at jigsaw puzzles.  I told him I was positive we'd finish in a few hours because it was only a 300 piece puzzle.  We took a few breaks for lunch and a short nap, but while watching many episodes of the Dick Van Dyke Show, we completed it! 

 

 





I was on the couch again after our great accomplishment, in the middle of a doze when I felt my phone ring.  I looked at the number and it was an unfamiliar one, but a local one, so I thought it could be my doctor.  Sure enough it was Dr. G checking to see how I was doing and to report that she had excellent news!  She told me that the pathology report came back and after looking at hundreds of slides, there was no sign of invasive cancer, so my decision to go with the bilateral mastectomy, while considering my family planning plans, was absolutely the right decision.  She said that the cancer encompassed an area of 7.2 cm (or 2.8 in) so it was bigger than we thought.  So I don't have to go through any more treatment, and basically, once I'm done with this process I'm done!  I have to meet with her next week Tuesday to get the actual pathology report and to figure out what my follow up steps and long-term plan will be, but otherwise the future is looking pretty good!!

As soon as I hung up I told my dad and we called my mom and she later told me she told her best friend at work the news and they both cried tears of joy.  Then Eric walked in with Julia and we told them the news.  He set Julia on my stomach.  I told her, "Mommy doesn't have to do chemo!!!"  It was like that little girl knew how great the news was and she laughed and started clapping.  We both said, "Yaaaaaay!!!" and continued to clap.  That was one of the best moments she and I have shared yet.

God has answered my prayers and all of those who have been praying beside me.  Today was a great day. 

Photos

Not too much new to report, but I was creeping on my mom's photos on her phone and came across a few pictures she took on the day of and a few days after surgery. 

 

This was taken a few minutes before they gave me anesthesia and wheeled me back!

 

This I did not realize had been taken. haha.  This was probably an hour or so after surgery, and I was clearly out of it. 

 

I know I already posted a picture of my dog visitor, but here's another gem.  You can never have too many dog photos!

 

This was when I first got home.  My mom wanted to see a side view and show me that I actually look like I have some boobs.  You can also see the bulkiness of the drains, and how I look after 3 days of not showering.  Yikes. 

Back Home

I am happy to report that today is my second full day home!  Thursday night I got home and it was so nice to be back in my own surroundings.  Also, it forces me to walk around more.  When I was in the hospital I could go on walks, but was mainly confined to my room and had the option of sitting in a chair or the bed.  My mom and I came home to a beautifully cleaned house thanks to my mother-in-law.  She's so great!  We also had our first meal from the meal train arrive.  It was a pizza, bread sticks, and cinnamon sticks delivered to the house and it was yummy!  My appetite was starting to come back with that for sure! 

Eric brought Julia home from day care and I was sitting in a chair waiting for her with a stuffed bear with angel wings that my nurse navigator had given me for Julia.  Eric put Julia down and she didn't recognize me at first.  She just kept turning around towards Eric, wanting him to pick her up.  We started eating, and then I think throughout the meal she started realizing who I was.  After dinner, we went outside and I sat on a chair while Eric and my mom played with Julia in the backyard.  My mom was teaching Julia how to kick a ball and I was blowing bubbles for her to pop.  Yesterday after Julia was home from day care, my aunt, Eric, and I did the same thing, and by the end of the night, Julia knew to have my aunt pick her up.  As I reflected on those two nights and seeing Julia slowly adapt to having others hold her, my silver lining of the whole not being able to pick Julia up piece, is that she will grow closer to others in my family instead of being my little koala bear as she always has been. 

Yesterday my nausea definitely decreased and I just took one nausea pill in the morning.  I think my main complaint was my dizziness.  But I'm hoping that after walking and eating more, that will subside.  I got my hair washed by my neighbor and that felt great after 3 days of no soap!  When I got home I decided to take a shower, and I thought that would feel amazing as well...I was wrong.

I had to wrap a towel around my neck and safety pin my three drains to the towel.  I also couldn't let my stitches get soap on them, and it hurts to lift my arms past a certain point.  So I was basically limited to washing from my stomach down.  I so badly wanted the water to run over my head and back.  I also wanted to shave my disgustingly hairy armpits, but when you think about that motion, it really requires stretching beyond my capabilities at this point.  So now my underarms look like a poorly manicured lawn with crabgrass. 

When I got out of my disappointing shower, I looked in the mirror and looked at my new naked self in the mirror.  It was shocking.  I had seen my surgical area from above at my own eye level, but to see it straight on with no bandages present was scary.  I reminded myself of a zombie character from The Walking Dead.  I have some volume, but I have a large horizontal line about five inches long across each breast with bold, black stitches, and the stitches look as though I had alterations done to close the hole in an old pair of jeans.  It is concave in some areas and more wrinkly as your eye nears the stitches. 

I called my aunt for help to put Neosporin on the stitches, cover it with gauze, and then put my surgical bra pack on and unpin the drains.  I had covered my chest with my towel and I said, "I need your help, but I'm sorry if it's scary looking."  She said, "Don't worry about it, precious, it's fine."  I removed the towel and started crying.  She reassured me that it would get better every day as she patted my back with the towel.  I nodded, and then reminded myself that I needed to get back into fight mode.  I wiped my tears and got down to business, opening the tubes of Neosporin and getting the job done.  With my clothes on, I look bulky with the drains underneath my sweater, almost like a pregnant cat.  Hopefully the drains will be removed next Wednesday though when I see Dr. P for my follow up appointment.

Also next week, Dr. G will call me to let me know about the pathology report.  They are going through hundreds of slides to look at the breast tissue they removed, and make sure there aren't any invasive cells there.  If there aren't any, I'm essentially done.  If they do find some though, they may upstage me and I may have to go through chemo.  The good news is that since they didn't find cancer in my lymph nodes, the highest stage they can upstage me to is Stage 1. 

So every day is slowly but surely better.  I'm off to enjoy the rest of this beautiful day!

Day 2 at the Hospital

Right now I am watching Titanic in my room.  It is difficult to type because I have a pulse monitor on my right index finger and have an IV on top of my right hand.  I've been in and out of nauseousness all day and that has been the biggest fight,  I did vomit once this morning, but felt better afterwards.

Yesterday I registered at 7:30 in the morning and was taken to change into a gown and have my IV put in,  The nurse globbed a bunch if numbing cream around my aereola on my left breast.  I then went down to the neuro science center where they sprayed more numbing cream on my nipple and then injected me with 4 shots around my nipple to insert a dye,  The dye was so that they could trace the flow to my lymph nodes since they were going to take 1-3 out.  They then took 3 pictures and I was on my way to the pre-op holding room.  Dr. P came in and made markings with his green and blue Sharpie and Dr. G came in to talk as well.

I waited with Eric and my parents, and then I was given anesthesia.  After a tearful goodbye they wheeled me away and I just remember being in the OR room with bright lights, and then waking up.  I remember looking at the clock seeing it was 5:00 and my first thought was, "Oh it went faster than I thought, That means my family didn't have to wait as long," My parents told me there was no invasive cancer in my lymph nodes and it was great to hear.  My dad said he never understood people who cried tears of joy until that moment.

Iwas very out of it all night.  The only other thing I remember is when a nurse was asking me a bunch of questions, she started explaining the therapy dog program.  I remember cutting her off and saying, "YES!"

I slept until 1:30 am and then fought nauseousness all day.  The tech had me sit up at 6:00 and it was excruciatingly painful.  I was screaming and crying as the tech pulled me to the chair.  Since then I've just been trying to keep food down.  They gave me meds more powerful than morphine and every time I'd press the button the pain would go away but then I'd feel sick.  It's been like choosing between the lesser of the two evils.  Dr. P and Dr. G have also come in to check on me and I got to see my "new" breasts.  They're actually bigger than I thought they'd be.  He said he filled them with 300 ccs (whatever that is) and the stitches go straight across and are about 5 inches long.

I need to lay down because I still feel out of it and will probably look back at this post and laugh at my terrible writing.  Here's a picture though of me and my dog visitor.

Night Before

This past week has been so positively overwhelming.  I am so touched by how many people have rallied behind me, offered their talents, and shown their support in so many various ways. 

First, on Tuesday, I had my photos taken by a friend of mine because I wanted to document how I looked prior to having a mastectomy and reconstructive surgery.  We were both very much on the same page as to what the feel would be, which was artistic, not sexy.  We did three versions: bra and underwear, jeans and bra with me holding Julia, and then just jeans but with me strategically holding myself so not too much was exposed.  By the end of the shoot, both of us were in tears.  He sent me the photos on Saturday and I was blown away with how great his talents are.  I loved how he used lighting, and my plan is to print them in a photo book.  I am so grateful for his willingness to do this for me, and I will treasure these photos forever.

Here's a photo from his vision board.  We got a few shots that look like this, but I am obviously not a model.  If anyone is curious to see the actual photos, feel free to contact me. 

 

 On Saturday, my cousin's wife, Vanessa, and her aunt offered to come to my mom's house to do facials and massages for my mom, aunt, cousin, and I.  It was so much fun!  When I first met Vanessa's aunt, she said, "Who's the one that..." and sort of trailed off.  I said, "I'm the cancer patient!"  We all laughed because I know it can be awkward for people at times, but sometimes you have to just say it like it is.  It was great to just relax and enjoy ourselves though.  We also had a moment of immense laughter, (thanks to one of my verbal blunders) and I laughed so hard I cried.  It was so nice to feel that! 

 



 

Tonight I spent time with Julia as we ate our dinner.  She laughed and we joked around as we ate, and I let her have a cupcake for dessert.  I gave her a bath and I watched her splash around and squeal in delight, and then we dried off and I read her a few books.  Before I put her in her crib, I said to her, "Julia, Mommy won't see you for a few days.  I have to go bye-bye because Mommy is sick and has to get better.  When I get home I won't be able to hold you, but I love you very much and I will try to do everything I can to be with you and love you."  Call me crazy, but I felt like she was understanding me.  We kissed and then she planted her head on my chest and snuggled in against me.  I kissed her on the top of her head, and I was happy. 

 

Now I sit, reflecting upon how many people have done so many great things, shared such encouraging words, and lifted me up in their prayers.  Sunday I was grateful enough to be surrounded by so many great folks, and today at work I was given a journal with everyone's kind words and favorite Bible verses.  I am so grateful for everyone in my life, and it makes me think that I have made some pretty good choices in the people I surround myself with.  It is all pretty remarkable to me.  As I was driving to work I kept thinking of an analogy for my support system, and the first image that came to mind was a trampoline.  Each person in my life is like a thread, and each of those threads are woven together so tightly, and they have all come together to make sure I bounce back. 

 

The question I have been asked a lot today is, "How are you feeling?"  The answer is: sad, but ready for battle.  I keep thinking of action movies where there is some sort of sad occurrence, and the character mourns, and then all of a sudden they turn around and have that stone cold face on them, and you know they are ready to go to battle.  That's how I'm feeling today.  Sad and mourning, but tomorrow I know it's go time, and I need to put my game face on, and the players are me versus cancer.  So...tonight I mourn...tomorrow I go to battle.  

 

 



Someone Calls Me Mommy

At times it's very easy to feel isolated in this journey.  Initially I felt very alone because most of the research I would do was targeted towards women 40 and older.  That's great and all, but women who are 40, 50, or 60 are in totally different chapters of their lives from mine. 

Things have improved though because I have been grateful enough to have two people I have been put in contact with through others that are around my age and have recently been treated  and are willing to talk to me about their experiences.  Nobody should have to go through this, and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone, but sometimes it's nice to know you're not alone.  Speaking with them and hearing their stories has helped me SO MUCH.  I can't stress enough how much help that has been.  When I have questions like, "Will I be able to go to the bathroom on my own?" I know who to turn to! 

The only piece that is missing though is that neither of them is a mother.  Now, when I didn't have a child I sometimes felt that certain women felt that they were more important than me because they were a mother, and I just "wouldn't understand."  Well, that's not what I'm saying.  I don't think I'm better than anyone just because I popped out a baby.  What I am saying, is that having a child adds a different dimension to this experience and to my journey. 

At this point, people around me seem to be worrying about the surgery itself.  I could honestly care less about that right now.  I'm actually more pumped that I'll get an extra 6-8 hours of sleep.  What is stressing me out is that I won't be able to pick up my daughter for nearly a month.  Typing that made me let out a huge sigh.  I can't even comprehend that.

I always experience mom guilt, especially as a working mom, but it is multiplying exponentially.  I feel like a bad mom.  I keep thinking she is going to be so stressed and frustrated.  What am I going to do when she is standing at my feet, crying, stretching out her arms and standing on her tiptoes, yearning for her mommy to pick her up and make everything better.  I can't say to her, "I'm sorry, baby.  Mommy has breast cancer and had a bilateral mastectomy and can't pick you up right now.  I hope you understand."  I don't think that will fly with her.

I keep worrying that she will become resentful towards me for not being there 100%.  Question why I'm not meeting her needs.  Become angry and frustrated with me.  Believe me, baby, I'm angry and frustrated with me, too. 

Last week I looked up the hospital's support groups.  They listed a service called Imerman Angels, and they match up survivors with current cancer patients to have a one on one mentorship.  I figured this could be a good solution so that I could find someone with that extra dimension.  I also wanted someone with a child under the age of three because school aged kids are a different ball game. 

I filled out the questionnaire, and today they called me to get further information as to what I was looking for in a mentor.  I said, "I want a young woman with breast cancer who is also a mother with a child under the age of three."  Then I paused and said, "Will that be difficult to find?"  She responded, "No, since you're open to all breast cancers, it shouldn't be tough to find.  I'll get back to you in a few days with a match."  My heart sank.  I was so selfish, wanting a mentor for myself.  Then I realized there are other women in the same exact boat as myself.  So many, in fact, that it won't be a difficult task to find my very specific request.  Ugh.  My match will be bitter sweet. 

I apologize I'm being a Negative Nelly lately.  I'll try to be better!  Praying for peace of mind.

Tears in Abundance

Well, it's been an hour and a half and I haven't stopped crying. 

First off, I FINALLY got a surgery date.  That was huge for me, because I am a planner and I hate just sitting around not knowing what's coming next.  So I'm set for Tuesday, April 14. 

This week my aunt was in from Arizona, so my family all gathered at my parent's house for dinner and to just hang out.  I consider my mom's side of the family as my nuclear family.  Maybe it's a Mexican thing, haha.  My mom is the middle of three girls, and I'm the oldest of my cousins.  There are seven of us total, and a number of us also have kids of our own, so it's a fun crowd.  I love my family to pieces and my favorite moments are just of us all sitting around the table talking, telling stories, and laughing. 

That was all happening today as usual, and then my dad mentioned how he wanted us to go over the calendar to figure out who would take a day to be home with me after my surgery.  I had brought a calendar as well and we all sat around the coffee table in the living room and everyone said which days they would take.  My parents are taking a bunch of days, my aunt is taking a day, my cousins are taking a few days, etc. 

First of all, I was touched that so many people were chipping in and sacrificing time out of their lives to help me.  Then my mom was texting a girl at work who's around my age and went through the same thing about a year ago and she was saying that I should wear zip up and button up clothes because you're not allowed to raise your arms over your shoulders and all this other stuff.  Then I started realizing how restrictive this was all going to be and how bored out of my mind I'm going to be just sitting around. Not to mention all of the mom guilt I'm going to feel because I won't be able to pick up my daughter for an entire month!  That's a whole other blog post though...

I hate being dependent on other people and I hate that I have to take time out of people's lives for myself. 

Then as we were leaving I was hugging my aunt who lives in Arizona goodbye, and I lost it.  I started crying and then I hugged one of my cousins goodbye and I couldn't help but feel like I was letting them all down.  I look at myself as the oldest and the one who has to keep it together and be strong, and now I'm weak.  I hate that I am stressing them all out when everyone already has enough on their own plates.  I don't need to be adding to it, I should be helping to take some off. 

I packed Julia into the car and we drove home and I cried the entire way home.  I think I went through a quarter of a box of Kleenex.  I'm sitting here in our loft, still crying, trying to get it together.  So, in summary, my feelings could be classified as: angry, frustrated, scared, sad, and emotionally exhausted.  I know this journey will be an emotional roller coaster, but tonight is definitely a low.  Hoping for a brighter tomorrow. 

Plastic Surgeon Visit

Yesterday I met my plastic surgeon, Dr. P, for the first time.  I was very grateful for the fact that I felt comfortable with him right away and he was able to put me at ease and just talk to me as a person before diving in.  Thankfully, one of my friends came with me and she took excellent notes!  I didn't learn too much new information at that visit, but I mainly had to make some more choices. 

First set of choices:
1: Do implants (as explained in the previous post)
2: Use excess tissue from my belly to create new breasts (called "the flap method")

Well, that one was easy.  First, if I do the implants, then the surgery on his part is 1 - 1.5 hours per breast.  If I do the flap, it's a 12 hour surgery on his part.  Also, he said I didn't have enough belly fat to create the size of breasts I even have now, and I'd have a huge scar across my belly.  Option 1 with implants it is!!

The nice thing is that I don't have to choose what size I want now.  Basically, they'll gradually fill that temporary implant and they'll just keep filling it over time until I get to a point that I'm happy with.  I said, "So basically it's like you're filling my glass with water until I say stop."  His response was, "Exactly."

The left is the temporary implant.  That black circle felt like a hockey puck.  The right is the permanent implant. 

Second set of choices:
1. Keep my nipple and do a nipple-sparing mastectomy
2. Get rid of my nipple and do a skin-sparing mastectomy and let them reconstruct a nipple

(If you're getting squirmy, I'll remind you that this is in fact a blog about me and my breasts.)

I decided to go with option 2.  He said that he was on the fence as to whether or not aesthetically they would look good with a nipple-sparing, plus my opinion comes in third after Dr. G's and the pathologists as to whether or not there's any abnormal cells on it, and they would inspect it during surgery to see if it was even possible to be used.  Also, since I'd be keeping more of my skin, my chance of reoccurrence would go from 1% to 2-3%.  Not much more, but hey, I'll do what I can to keep my odds as low as possible.  So out they go. 

He then took pre-op photos and I was able to ask any other questions I had.  That was pretty much it!  Pretty easy and straightforward.  Now I just have to wait for them to give me a surgery date.  I've been waiting on that for a day and a half now.  I really want it tomorrow otherwise I'll go crazy because I feel like I need to go into planning mode for my hiatus from...well life.  Both work and home.  But that's another story for another time. 

Doctor Conference

This morning, Eric, my dad, and I met with Dr. G (my mom is in Indiana helping my sister move).  I think today's meeting was heavier than last week's.  All three of us walked out like deer in headlights.  But, after a lot of crying and a lot of praying, I think I have a clearer, happier mind and heart. 

At 7:30 this morning, 5 radiology oncologists, 5 breast surgeons (in addition to my own), and 2 medical oncologists met and talked about my case.  They presented it as very factual: "This is a 29 year old woman, and here are her images.  What do we do?"  After that meeting, Dr. G told me they recommend a mastectomy because there was too much cancer in my left breast to really salvage anything for it to look normal.  Here is a very poor picture of the screen she was showing us of my MRI.  The cancer covers the upper half of the breast. 

 

 

So step 1 is surgery.  I have to decide between a single mastectomy on the left side vs. a bilateral mastectomy which means I would do both the cancerous and healthy breast.  If I do the single mastectomy, I just do the left breast, but then I would have to take a pill called tamoxifen for five years.  Tamoxifen blocks the actions of estrogen, and it would be necessary because my cancer is fueled by estrogen.  However, it would put me into menopause, which means no babies for five years. *Cue Malita crying in the doctor's office here.  I would also have to get an MRI and mammogram every year.  The chance of reoccurrence would be 10%. 

 

If I do the bilateral mastectomy, and if the cancer is contained, I won't have to take the tamoxifin and I'll essentially be done.  My chance of reoccurrence with that option is 1%.  If, however, the cancer is invasive, I would still have to take the tamoxifin for five years and then do chemo.  We won't know if it's invasive or not until during surgery when the pathologist can look at the tissue under a microscope.  Dr. G believes it's contained, but we won't know 100% until surgery. 

 

My gut, my head, and my heart are saying to do the bilateral mastectomy, so I'm pretty sure I'll go that route, but I do want to sleep on it for a bit and make sure that I'm still in that camp before reporting any decisions.  Tomorrow morning I'm meeting with the plastic surgeon to talk about reconstructive options. 

 

I did ask her about timeline and she said we can usually do surgery in about 2 weeks.  The surgery itself if I do the bilateral option is 6-8 hours long.  Then my recovery time is 2-4 weeks.  However, the entire process won't be complete for 2-3 months. 

 

The reason it's 2-3 months is because the initial surgery will be done with a temporary implant placed behind my pectoral muscle.  She said that in the past women with implants were identifiable a mile away because the implant is placed in front of the muscle and under the skin and it's' just kind of sitting there.  By placing it behind the pectoral muscle, it will give it a more natural look, and the muscle acts as a scaffold to hold the implant in place.  The temporary implant will then be filled with a saline solution and over those 2-3 months they will gradually increase the amount of saline solution to expand the muscle in preparation for the permanent implant.  She said that once they put the permanent implant in, many women describe the feeling as one equivalent to how you feel after eating a large Thanksgiving meal and then unbuttoning your pants.  You're relaxed and it feels much more comfortable.  Here's a diagram illustrating that process.

  

So that's the science of it all as best I can explain it.  The emotional side of me is just disappointed.  I didn't think I would have to have so much of my breasts removed.  I essentially feel the same way as I did in my last post, but I do feel better.  I think the turning point for me was when I got to work. 

 

Today was a day of prayer and our conference room was transformed with candles and became a soothing atmosphere to just be quiet and pray.  I sat silently praying for myself, but also for our clients who also go through similar situations, and most times have gone through much worse.  I thanked God for giving me such a strong support system, and I asked Him for peace and clarity.  I asked Him to quiet my nerves and to give me confidence.  I also asked Him to continue walking beside our clients and to give them peace, clarity, and confidence as well as they begin new lives here with us. 

 

Tears fell from my face and I heard people come and go.  Then a co-worker/friend of mine sat beside me and asked if she could pray for me.  She began praying and I just broke down and let it all out.  As I sobbed, another co-worker/friend sat on the other side of me.  It was so peaceful to feel their hands upon me, hear them speaking to God, and to feel comfortable enough to let all of my emotions out.  The three of us talked afterwards and I thanked them and told them I feel so lucky to have my faith and my friends and family through all of this. 

 

After that, with every minute that goes by I have become more peaceful and comfortable with the decision I am making.  I remind myself that although I may feel sad or frustrated that I am going to miss out on certain things in the coming months, I could be missing out on far more.  So tonight, I sit here thankful yet again, feeling strength returning, and ready to take on the next steps.



MRI Results

Well, there are two pieces of good news and one bad:

Good News #1: Super surprised but I already got the results back from the blood test regarding the BRCA 1 and BRCA 2 gene mutation and it came back normal!  I was mainly relieved because that means my sister is in the clear, and I was worried about Julia having a 50% chance of getting the gene.  But no worries on that now!

Good News #2: The MRI showed my right breast is clear and normal. 

The Bad News: They found more cancer in the left breast, and so much so that a lumpectomy is now out and I'll have to do a mastectomy.

The cancer team is meeting tomorrow morning at 7:30 to go through everything and verify that, and then I'm meeting with Dr. G (my breast surgeon) at 9:00 to go over it all.  She'll be able to show me the MRI pictures and we'll come up with a more solid treatment plan.  I also already have an appointment for Wednesday morning to meet with Dr. P, the plastic surgeon, to talk about reconstructive options. 

So there's that...

Tonight I've just been crying.  I think I've tried to stay positive for so long that I just needed a crying day.  It's becoming more and more real.  I'm also kind of angry.  Eric suggested I take a bath to relax.  My response was, "No, I don't want to look at them.  I'm mad at them."  But I think I'm entitled to feel a little sad and angry at times.   

I know it's a good thing that I have this option and can get rid of it, but I am comparing a mastectomy to how I felt when I changed my name after getting married.  I felt happy to change my name because I was marrying someone I love and we were officially a family, but I was also sad because I felt like I was losing a part of me.  I was losing a part of my identity. 

Now, I know my boobs do not make me, me.  The feminist in me would go crazy if I said that.  But, I will say that they have been a part of shaping me.  I developed much earlier than most girls in school, and in third grade I was the one wearing a training bra.  From there they became quite large and I was usually complaining about how my D's were causing my back to hurt.  After giving birth to my daughter, I promise you breastfeeding was the worst pain I've ever had to go through in my experience, and I also went through mastitis twice.  Now I'm 29 and have breast cancer and have to bid them adieu.  And really, most of my experiences have been negative, so you would think, "Why doesn't she just say good riddance!?" 

While they have caused me mostly pain and negative feelings, I like how I look.  I know I'm not perfect, but it took me a very long time to get to this point where I feel confident and love myself, every part, inside and out.  To me, it's unnatural to have fake breasts, even if it is for this reason.  God made me who I am, and that's who I'm supposed to be.  I just want to be me, how He made me. 

So tonight, I cry, and I wallow, and I feel sorry for myself.  But tomorrow is a new day, and I will gain a lot more information, and that will empower me and make me feel better. 

MRI Edit

I forgot to mention that the most difficult part of the MRI day was probably the fact that I had to stare at a sign while they put the IV in me that said, "For assistance, dial 7865 for a MRI tech."  Ouch.  Bad grammar always hurts. 

MRI Day

Today was the day of my MRI.  It was the first thing this morning and Eric was kind enough to go with me even though he would just be sitting in the waiting room the whole time.  I felt bad that he was just sitting there, but I was happy to have him there as support. 

We checked in and then a nurse called my name and started us on our maze walk through the hospital.  As we were making our way to our destination, we passed a door marked, "Mother Baby Rooms."  I pointed the door out to Eric.  I thought, "Wow, less than a year and a half ago I was in one of those rooms with J, and now look at where I'm walking."  It was sad, but I guess you just never know where God and life will take you. 

We got to the MRI unit and I was told to undress and take off all my jewelry and put on scrub pants and the gown that opens in the front.  Let me take a moment to talk about these gowns.  I've worn four now in the last month and I'm already tired of them.  Obviously they need to open in the front in order for doctors to have easy access to examine my breasts.  However, the gowns are MASSIVE!  I am always swimming in them and even though it ties on the side, it's still a good foot away from my body if I were to hold it out.  So when I get up I'm grabbing it on the sides with my hand for fear I'm going to flash the entire waiting room.  I hate those gowns. 

H-O-T, HOT!

 



I got called back and the tech put an IV in my arm because we were going to do a contrast to make any abnormalities more visible.  He told me to stay relaxed and have even breathing because if I were to breathe too heavily, my chest would move causing it to ruin the pictures and I would have to reschedule and do it all over again.  Eeesh...noted. 

I thought laying still for 30 minutes would be no big deal.  Plus, I was really tired so I figured I could maybe take a nap!  Wrong.  I had to lay on my stomach with my breasts hanging below me on the table, and my head was cradled in a head rest, similar to a massage table.  They gave me ear plugs because the machine creates a loud banging noise all around you.  They also gave me a squeeze ball to hold in my left hand should I feel there was an emergency and something didn't feel right and I could squeeze that to signal them to stop.  They hooked the IV up for the contrast and wrapped the tubing around my right thumb. 

Then they asked if I was comfortable.  No, not completely, but I thought I could deal with it.  Then they said, "Are you sure?  You can't move at all for 30 minutes, so now's the time to speak up.  Don't worry, you're not being high maintenance if do."  So I conceded and asked them to add another pillow under my feet.  We were up and ready to go.

As the table backed in to the large tunnel, I suddenly remembered I was claustrophobic and quickly shut my eyes as if I were a 3 year old telling myself this wasn't actually happening, and if I just close my eyes then it wasn't actually happening.  Those 30 minutes were tough.  Mainly because a lot of pressure was going to my face and that was hurting, plus I was getting obsessive about my breathing and hoping I was doing it right so I wouldn't ruin the pictures.  I did not want to do this all again.  The only technique that really helped to calm me was to pray.  I prayed a lot.  I couldn't tell you how many Our Fathers and Hail Mary's I did. 

After it was all over, my arms were very much asleep and so was my face.  I didn't know that was possible.  I felt a little weak, but overall it wasn't too bad.  I think the most difficult part was controlling and monitoring my breathing while laying on my stomach.  Out the IV came and I was off on my merry way to see Eric and change back into some clothes that I wasn't swimming in. 

I get the results of the MRI on Monday, so hopefully this weekend is a nice, relaxing one to take away from the stress of waiting.  Onward and forward!

Gratitude

Yesterday I was talking to a co-worker of mine who is moving on to new endeavors, and I told him he could check my blog to keep in touch.  As we were talking about my cancer journey, I said to him, "This is going to sound really strange and ridiculous, but this has actually been a really positive experience."  I still mean that.  Mainly because I see how much love has been shown towards me, and how lifted I feel to God through all your prayers.  It's incredible and I am in total awe. 

Last week when I found out, the second call I made after my mom was to my best friend Amy.  She knew what was going on and gave me her work cell phone number in case I got any news.  When I called her, she was at work, and started crying.  I said, "Amy!  Don't cry!  I'll be fine!"  But of course, I started crying too.  She now lives in North Carolina and I knew it was tough for her to be away at this time, and wouldn't you know it...that night as I was grocery shopping I get a text from her saying she bought a plane ticket to come in for about 24 hours just to hang out.  Who does that?!?!  The best kind of person, that's who.  So I got to take the afternoon off work and we got ice cream, a pedicure, went out to dinner, and hung out on the couch in our pjs watching a movie and stalking our friends on Facebook.  ;)  It was amazing.  It was exactly what I needed. 

 

A number of my co-workers/friends have already been amazing.  One, whom I call my soul mate, is already offering to watch Julia or go to appointments with me.  Another has been sharing so much of her own story because her roommate has been going through the same situation since July and has been informing me of what to expect and tips on how to handle doctor appointments.  I can't say enough how much that has helped.  Today she introduced me to her roommate and the three of us had lunch.  It was great to hear from someone who is recently going through the same journey and is 34, so also younger.  People at work have been amazing and it's so great to have a workplace where you can trust others with information like this and feel like you're not really going to work every day, you're going to your second family. 

 

My neighbors have been great and super supportive, and knowing people who live on your same block that are willing to be there down the road is of great comfort.  And all my friends from years past have also been great.  I have been getting so many messages from folks I haven't talked to in years, and I'm touched to know I still cross their minds from time to time and that love and care is still there.  Tonight I just got done video chatting with two of my friends and former roommates from college and it was so fun to see each other's faces and hear their voices again.  We decided that will become a quarterly event! 

 

And of course, my family.  My parents, sister, husband, aunts, cousins, Godmother, in-laws, everyone.  Everyone has been amazing and I feel like the luckiest person on Earth to have such a strong support system.  This journey will be much easier with so many people along the road from different parts of my life cheering me on. 

 

 





The Day I Met My Cancer Team

WOW.  Knowledge is certainly power.  I can't tell you how much better I feel!!  These last two weeks have been incredibly difficult for me because I've had to wait and sit in the shadows of ignorance.  Today I walk in the light of knowledge and look before the different paths that have been presented to me.  I don't even care that I don't know which path I'm taking yet.  It's just nice to know that I can see what's in front of me now.  

My mom, dad, husband, and I met with my breast surgeon, Dr. G, and I immediately liked her.  She came in and apologized that I was there in the first place, but congratulated me for being an advocate for myself because most young, working mothers may have just ignored it, but now that we caught it early I'm in a place of power and have options.

She spent two hours (wow!) explaining the process and options, the science, and the pictures of my mammogram and ultrasounds.  She said that breast cancer is a lazy cancer and that it's important for us to not rush into anything so that we can get a fuller picture and really explore my options and verify things so that 10, 20, or 30 years from now I'm not regretting the decisions I made. 

In the short term there are two tests that need to be done.  Basically at this point they believe the cancer is non-invasive.  However, I am getting an MRI done on Friday morning because that will be more detailed and accurate, and either show something new or verify what they already know.  Of women who get the MRI, 20% (or 1 in 5) get bumped up to a higher stage based on what they find.  I will get the results of that on Monday.  That will help determine whether or not I will need a lumpectomy or mastectomy.  

The second piece of the puzzle was for me to meet with a genetic counselor.  Because I'm under 35 they always wonder why someone so young could get breast cancer, so they need to test my blood for the BRCA1 and BRCA2 gene mutation.  I had blood drawn in the lab and it gets sent out to a lab in Utah, but I should get the results in the next 1-2 weeks.  

In the meantime, she said it may be good for me to meet with the plastic surgeon just so that we have a game plan in case I need reconstructive surgery.  

I was also very happy to hear that all of the doctors work as a team and meet once a week to talk about their patients and come up with the best plan for them.  I met Jill, who is the nurse navigator and she is essentially the quarterback of the team and coordinates everything.  She was so great and already came in with the MRI scheduled and gave me her card.  She also gave her card to my parents and Eric and told them they could call at any time as well.  So I felt incredibly relieved to know that everything behind the scenes is being taken care of, and that the right hand is talking to the left.  

They also gave me a massive book on breast cancer as a resource along with a folder of information and all of my chart info up until now.  I kind of had fun reading it because I felt like a kid sneaking in to the classroom at lunch and peeking on the teachers desk.  haha.

So all in all, today was a good day!  I gained relief that I love my doctors and clarity in my knowledge and future path.  

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